As you are grieving the loss of your loved one, life can seem overwhelming. From moment to moment your emotions change while you are mourning. One minute you are smiling and the next you are crying. Because everything seems much harder after a death, it is important to acknowledge your small successes as you grieve:

• Getting out of bed in the morning to take a shower
• Returning to work after bereavement leave
• Eating at the dinner table without your loved one
• Going to lunch with a friend
• Returning a phone call or acknowledging an expression of sympathy

Try this Affirmation: I acknowledge all of my accomplishments.

Grief Relief – Set Yourself Up for Success

What is hard for you? What do you hate to do? As you identify these tasks, think about how to make them easier. Here are some examples of problem solving:

• I never did grocery shopping in the past, and I don’t like to go now.
  (Can I plan shorter trips to the store? Go to a different store? Order items online? Go with a friend?)
• I don’t like getting out of bed in the morning.
• (Can I give myself something to look forward too? Plan a visit with a child or grandchild?)
• I don’t like Sundays because they are too long now.
  (Can I break up the day with an activity? Go to an upbeat movie? Go to lunch? Go to a park?)
• I don’t like going to church without my loved one.
  (Would going to a different service make a difference? Can I go with a friend? Maybe I should not go for now?)
• My husband always pumped the gas.
  (Can a family member teach me? Can I go to a full-service station? Can a neighbor help?)

If you can’t think of any ideas to address some of your immediate problems, enlist a supportive person to help you problem solve.

Notice Progress While Grieving
People have been figuring out how to grieve for centuries, long before the mental health community began. You are already doing everything right, just as people before you have. Losing someone is painful. It is probably the worst thing you will ever go through in your life, but you are getting through one day at a time.

Let’s think about the progress you’ve made:

• What coping skills have you already developed?
• What new things have you been doing?
• What new roles or identities have you taken on?
• What new relationships have you developed?
• What are your strengths?
• What are you doing well?

The questions above all refer to restoration-oriented tasks, which you develop as you learn to integrate the loss of your loved one into your life. As you reflect on these questions, you may be surprised by how far you have come already.

How to Cope when Grieving:

1. Be Compassionate and Gentle with Yourself

The journey through grief can be long and difficult. Remember to be very gentle with yourself.

• Treat yourself as you would your child. Be kind, loving, tender, caring and generous.
• Accept that you have suffered a debilitating wound, and you need to heal.
• Think of yourself as in intensive care.

1. It’s Okay to Need Comfort
   Needing comfort and support is natural.
   • It’s good to be taken care of by others.
   • It’s okay to receive comfort…and lots of it.
   • Your wound is real and painful. Your world has been drastically changed.
   • Be willing to take advantage of the comfort offered.

    

2. Rest – Get Lots of RestIt is important to get lots of rest when you can.

   When grieving, rest will be at a premium since your sleep pattern may be disrupted. When you are tired, give yourself permission to rest at that moment—whether a mid-afternoon nap, morning slumber or an early night of sleep.

   • Go slow. Don’t rush.
   • Plan rest into your day.
   • Keep your schedule light.
   • Go to bed earlier, sleep in later.

    

3. No, you are not going crazy.Forgetfulness, brain fog and clumsiness are commonly experienced after a loss.
   • No one could have prepared you for the experience of grief…the searing pain, the sleepless nights and the change in your world.
   • These strong, painful, debilitating feelings can mean you are at the core of your grief….you may have moved out of shock into stark reality…this can be one of the most trying times of grief.

   But hold on, know these crazy and painful feelings will not last forever…the pain will soften, and you will receive hope.

Hope is not pretending that troubles don’t exist…
It is the trust that they will not last forever,
that hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome…
It is faith that a source of strength and renewal lies within
to lead us through the dark to the sunshine.
Anonymous

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After losing my parents, someone once said to me: “You never really grow up, until you lose a parent.” This couldn’t be truer. There is something to be said about the sense of innocence being lost when your parent passes away. I was an adult when I lost my mother but the decisions I had to make regarding funeral arrangements and finances seemed “grown up” decisions. How often do we call mom or dad when we need advice or to make things better?

To help me cope with this, I realized that just because my mom died that doesn’t stop her from being my mom. And better yet, I know she is with me all the time now. Make a decision to connect with your parent spiritually. You will find great comfort in knowing they are watching you from above. Make a commitment to not lose your innocence. There is nothing more that a parent enjoys more than seeing their children happy. So as they watch over you from above, continue to laugh and play…because our time is precious.

A beautiful way to carry the memory of your loved one is with a piece of jewelry. It’s something that can be worn at all times to serve as a gentle reminder of the one they still hold dear to their heart.

Consider wearing a piece of your loved one’s jewelry such as a ring, necklace or cuff links. If you aren’t sure about what to do with a wedding ring of the deceased, consider wearing it on a chain or passing it on to a child. When I graduated college, my mom gave me a modern ring that contained the diamond from her wedding ring.

Consider having your loved one’s jewelry put into a new design or setting. Visit with a jeweler to get ideas or attend a restyling event at a jewelry store. After my mom passed away, I reset two pieces of her jewelry into new ring settings with the consultation of a jeweler.

As a word to the wise, wear the jewelry you design. It is meant to be a reminder of your loved one. Unfortunately, I was so concerned about losing the jewelry that I didn’t. I tucked away one ring so safely that it was not found again. Don’t repeat my mistake, enjoy it.
Remember, whatever piece of memorial jewelry you plan to wear or create, its purpose is to give you comfort. If you aren’t certain about your decision about what to do with your loved one’s jewelry, simply wait until you are ready.
Chelsea