This time of year is always so hard. Fall brings beautiful colors, cozy sweaters, and nights by the fire. But it is so bittersweet for me. Those beautiful leaves quickly fall to the ground, the weather gets colder, and then the holidays are looming.  When you lose someone, the holidays can be awful.  Especially the first ones. For years I tried to do stick with the traditions that I had with my parents, but of course it was never the same.  So instead I made new traditions and prepared for the holidays ahead of time.

Here are some things that I found helpful throughout my grief journey during the holidays.

Prepare and Let the Emotions in

A lot times people who are grieving avoid making plans for the holidays or even talking about it. I did this all the time in the beginning. I thought that if I changed the subject or waited until the last minute to make plans then I didn’t have to face the fact that the holidays were coming and my loved ones wouldn’t be there. This was the worst thing I did because when the day came, I just lost it. So I started to prepare early. Now is a great time to start. Mentally envision the holidays and when you start feeling sad, let it in because if you don’t the emotions can ambush you any time. Start dialoging with your loved one and tell them what you are going to miss most during the holidays.

Start New Traditions

If it is already hard thinking about your loved one not being there, than make new traditions. It can be as simple as having dinner at a different relative’s house so you don’t have to look at the empty seat at your house. I have a friend who changed up the seating arrangements so there wasn’t a constant reminder during dinner that her husband wasn’t there. If old decorations are hard to put up, then don’t put them up. Treat yourself to new ones. There is nothing wrong with starting new traditions, you will find that it will make things more exciting. When you do something different, it is stimulating and takes you mind off what was familiar.

Self Care

It is so easy to not take care of ourselves during the holidays, whether you lose someone or not. Make good self-care a priority. When those emotional times come, having a good physical well-being can help carry you through. Get plenty of sleep and exercise, you want to keep those endorphines up, those are your body’s natural anti-depressants! Eat healthy foods to give you strength, sugary and fattening foods can make you feel worse. Get outside, even for 5-10 minutes. Sometimes all you need is fresh air and some vitamin D.

Get Out

Even if you don’t want to go, GO! Do not isolate. A friend of mine who lost her husband says she never turns down an invitation, even if it is to a dance or a wedding. She said it was dreadful in the beginning. She would see other couples dancing together and it was so painful. The worst part was driving home alone. She would get in her car and just sob. You may wonder why anyone would do this to themselves. It has been almost 10 years and she still doesn’t turn down invitations. She explained, “Sometimes you do what you have to do. It was awful at first but I believe going helped me face the pain and process it quicker. I never had a “bad time”, yes it was hard but what was I going to do sit in my house alone? If you stop going to things, people will stop asking. Getting dressed and out the door is the hardest part.”

“Though my life is over, I am closer to you now than I was ever before. There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb, but together we can do it taking one day at a time.” 

-Excerpt from Hello from Heaven, by Chelsea Hanson

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Everything changes following the death of a loved one. Even things that you thought you could count on to always stay the same, like holidays, feel very different. You have a choice when it comes to how you adjust to the absence of your loved one; You can dwell on the fact that your holidays just aren’t the same anymore, or you can make new traditions while honoring and commemorating your loved one. Here are 4 fun family traditions that you can start this year.

1. Send a Note to Heaven

What we wouldn’t give to wish our loved one a Merry Christmas just one more time. Why not wish your loved one a Merry Christmas every year, together as a family? Next Holiday season, instruct your family members to craft a note to your departed loved one, telling them all that happened throughout the year or whatever’s on their mind. On Christmas morning, put your notes into balloons, fill the balloons with helium, and let them fly. Then go on to enjoy the Holiday, knowing that your loved one is with you in spirit on that special day.

2. Participate in a Charity Run/Walk

If your community has an organized run or walk every year, make it a point to participate in this event each year as a family, and dedicate your efforts to your departed loved one. You can even make t-shirts to let everyone know that you are a team and to make people aware of your cause.

3. Annual Family Picture

It’s amazing how much we change in just one year. You may not notice the changes in your mother’s face or how much your son has grown because you see them so often. But if you take a picture each year and put the pictures side by side, you’re bound to notice a significant difference. This is a great way to slow down time for just a moment with your family, and you’ll never regret having all of those pictures to look back at over the years.

4. Create a Family Bucket List

We all have some form of a bucket list, or list of things we aspire to do at least once in our lifetimes. But wouldn’t it be great to have a family-focused bucket list, separate from your own. The list would include fun things that you could do as a family and each year, you could pick an activity from the bucket list. You could even do that activity on a day of significance, like the anniversary of your loved one’s death, or their birthday.

Making new traditions isn’t always easy. You’re used to the old traditions, which included your departed loved one, so letting them go is easier said than done. But as you start to engage in these new traditions, you’ll realize that you still have something to celebrate: Your loving family, and the time you got to spend with your loved one here on Earth.

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As we approach Father’s Day, we start thinking about our dads and what they mean or meant to us. Father’s Day is a very special day, as it gives us an opportunity to go out of our way and thank our dads for the love and care they showed for us over the years. Sadly, there are some fathers out there who dread Father’s Day. For those dads who have lost a child, Father’s Day is nothing but a harsh reminder of their departed child. Often they suffer the death of their child in silence and the results are tragic.

The Grieving Dads Project

As a father who has lost two children of his own, Kelly Farley knows all too well the pain and suffering that dads go through after the loss of a child. That’s why he has made it his mission to help grieving fathers everywhere to heal with the help and support of other grieving fathers. Grieving Dads is a book compiled of the tragic stories of men who suffer the death of a child. The book serves as a resource for other men to learn that they are not alone in their suffering. The corresponding website serves as a place where grieving dads can go to share their story openly and honestly with the community.

This year, Kelly has taken on the challenge of raising $20,000 to help make his book more accessible to people all over the world. Kelly kicked off the fundraiser in May and the goal is to raise the money by Father’s Day 2012. If you know a grieving dad and don’t know quite how to help him in his time of sorrow, make a donation to the Grieving Dads project. If you yourself are a grieving dad and want to help fellow grieving dads, make a donation. Together, we can help support Kelly and other grieving dads as they work through the pain.

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Memorial Day is a chance to commemorate those who have died serving our country and to honor veterans who have passed away later in life. Even if you haven’t personally lost a loved one in war, we all have a reason to celebrate Memorial Day, and that is to pay our respect and show gratitude to those who have fought for our freedom. This Memorial Day, do something special to honor the brave men and women who have made it their duty to protect and serve our great Nation.

1. Have a Cookout

This Memorial Day, invite your friends and family over for a cookout. If you know any veterans, invite them and make them the guests of honor. It’s a chance to get together and share memories of our departed veterans and give thanks to those who have served or continue to serve our country.

2. Bring a Flag to Your Loved One

Take a few moments to bring a flag to your loved one’s grave and spend some time visiting. Other people visiting the cemetery will see the flag and know that your loved one was a very honorable person.

3. Go to the Parade

So many communities celebrate Memorial Day with a parade. Bring the family down to the parade this Memorial Day to show your support for our troops and to remember your loved one.

4. Watch the Fireworks

If your community puts on a fireworks display to celebrate Memorial Day, take advantage of this beautiful opportunity to commemorate your loved one. Staring up at the sky and watching the fireworks will remind you of your loved one up in heaven.

5. Plant Patriotic Flowers

Still need to plant your flower bed? Fill it with red, white and blue flowers to honor the veterans and your departed loved one this Memorial Day. You could also plant flowers at your loved one’s grave to keep the patriotic spirit alive and beautiful all summer long.

Memorial Day is more than just a day to celebrate the beginning of summer or an extra day off of work. It’s a chance to show our respect and honor those who have served or continue to serve our country. If this day has significant meaning to you and your family, plan something special to celebrate the day and commemorate your loved one.

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“The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hand of God.” ~ Elias Freeman

Angel Gifts

Do you believe in Angels?

Many cultures and societies have this concept, with subtle variations; Christians have developed a hierarchy of angels, as a body of spiritual beings between God and men. Those of the Islamic faith see them as messengers of God without free will.

Certainly, if you think angels are in the spiritual realm, you can find comfort knowing that angels are her to assist you with your grief journey.  They can simply surround you with love and light…..or you can have a guardian angel watching over you.

But, what if angels just don’t exist in your views or philosophy ? What if you can’t imagine them watching over us all?

Then, consider this… angels are your friends and family members, who can sit with you, watch over your well-being, and provide warm comfort during your times of sorrow.

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Anticipation of a new experience or event can often be more overwhelming than the event itself.  For those of us who have suffered the death of a loved one, the holiday season can seem especially complicated and can be filled with mixed emotions.  Know that there is no right or wrong way to work through the holidays, you must decide what feels best and is most comforting.

To help, here are some unique and meaningful tips for dealing with holiday grief and for making the holiday season less overwhelming:

• Plan ahead. Create new traditions or keep the old.
• Involve children in creating new rituals and traditions.
• Serve your loved one’s favorite food.
• Maintain a memorial light or candle throughout the season.
• Dedicate a meaningful items, such as a bench, tree, or star in their name.
• Publish a memorial note or poem in the newspaper or holiday newsletter.
• Make a special time to look at photos or videos.
• Donate in your loved one’s name to a cause they liked or an interest they had.
• Allow some quiet time, take a walk, indulge in positive memories.
• Give yourself permission to feel, at times and places that are convenient for you.
• Forgive yourself if you are unable to function at your top level. Ask for help if needed.
• Do only what you can – it’s OK to change how you celebrate.

• How To Cope With Grief During The Holidays (heartachetohealing.com)
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• When feeling sad for the holidays (wordsthatcomfort.com)
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“I keep thinking of all the things I would have bought for her this year . . . it tears me apart.”  This bereaved mother, who lost her only child six months ago, echoed a frequent lament amongst grievers.  During the holidays, it is painful not to shop for their loved ones. What may be a better idea, is to shop for a memorial gift that will help stay connected to your loved one.

What I frequently suggest is to buy that special item, the gift that would have meant so much, and donate it to a charity in honor of their dear one.  There are a wide variety of places happy to receive gifts of love, from homeless shelters and women’s shelters to educational facilities and hospital waiting rooms.

No, it’s not the same as watching your loved one’s face light up on Christmas morning.  Still, the gesture can be meaningful and even take on significance as an annual ritual.  You get to shop for your special someone, and you get to pass it forward to another who will benefit from your thoughtfulness.

 Memorial giving is a way to stay connected to your beloved one, which is an important aspect of grieving.  Your loved one has died, but your relationship lives on.  Finding creative ways to remember and to feel connected while helping others in the process is truly a win-win.

Author:  Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW   www.ashleydavisbush.com

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The holidays can be a difficult time for children who are grieving. Not only do memories of lost loved ones tend to surface at this time, but children may not know how (or feel able) to express their pain during a time that’s supposed to be joyful.  As an adult in their lives, you need to know how to help grieving children during the holidays.

 The most important thing when celebrating the holidays during a time of grief is not to pretend nothing has changed. Instead, embrace the loss with open arms and allow it to become a part of your holiday celebrations.

 Talk, Talk, Talk

• Enough cannot be said about the importance of simply talking to children about their grief. Talk about the departed loved one. Give children a chance to share their feelings, stories and favorite holiday memories. Discuss your plans for the holidays, and talk about how things will be different this year. For kids who have trouble expressing their feelings verbally, give them a chance to draw or journal about their grief. By broaching the subject yourself, you give kids permission to talk about it and prevent it from becoming taboo.
•  It’s okay if you choke up or have trouble talking about it yourself. It’s okay to let children see that you’re sad, too. By letting your own feelings out, you’re modeling healthy behavior for them and sending the message that grief isn’t something to fear – nor is it something to cling to.

• The stress of the holidays can be overwhelming, especially when you’re grieving. You – and the children in your life – may need extra rest at this time. Participate in the holidays as much as you can, but don’t be afraid to set limits. Be flexible, and don’t place too many demands on children or yourself. Always have an escape plan if things become too difficult to manage.
• By the same token, don’t be alarmed when children act as if nothing is wrong. Children grieve differently than adults. While they will certainly experience intense emotions during the holidays, and may act depressed or upset sometimes, they also need to take breaks from their grieving and spend time just being kids. It’s perfectly normal for bereaved children to experience bouts of laughter and play; these are moments for rejoicing

• The holidays are laden with tradition for many families. When a loved one dies, cherished traditions are often broken or irreparably altered – especially those that were created or maintained by the deceased. For children, losing the comfort of these traditions can sap the holidays of their magic.
•  While maintaining traditions as much as possible can help comfort children in their time of grief, it’s also healthy to allow old traditions to transform in order to suit the family’s changing needs. Have a meaningful conversation with the child about which traditions to keep, which may need to be modified, and what new traditions you’d like to create. Creating new traditions for the holidays can help strengthen family bonds and reinforce the child’s sense of security in the wake of a loss.

A wonderful way to keep a lost loved one alive during the holidays is to create a new tradition or tribute in his or her memory. This lets children know it’s okay to carry the departed with them as they celebrate. For example:

•  Hang a special ornament.  Help the child pick out or make a special ornament for the loved one. Once the tree has been decorated, ceremoniously give the ornament a place of honor on the tree.
•  Take to the kitchen.  Help the child cook a special holiday dish in honor of the lost loved one – it could be a favorite dessert or side dish. You can even set a place at the table for the missing family member.
•  Carry a memento.  Let the child carry a picture or other reminder around in order to feel closer to the person. Give the child a loved one’s shirt or other article of clothing to sleep in.
•  Do something for others.  Helping others reminds us of our own blessings. Adopt a needy family for Christmas; invite someone over who would otherwise be alone; make cookies for a local nursing home; or help feed the hungry at a homeless shelter.

There are many other ways to memorialize a loved one during the holidays. Light a special candle at the table, create a memorial wreath, make a collage – whatever reminds the child of the loved one. The more positive holiday memories you create, the less room there will be for grief.

 © 2011 Miri Rossitto 

 Valley of Life is an online memorial website dedicated to preserving and celebrating the lives of loved ones who have passed on. Miri Rossitto started the website in 2006 after losing her own mother. She believed that the internet needed a safe and respectful destination where people could grieve in whatever manner they chose. Valley of Life is quickly growing into one of the largest resource providers of end of life care and Miri looks very forward to connecting with many more people seeking comfort and care.

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Hang on when riding the roller coaster of grief.

Image via Wikipedia

You can yell and scream all you want as your grief hits all those curves and dips and bumps, but don’t give up.

Hang on to hope. Hang on to love.  Hang on to memories.  Hang on to life.

Know that a bad day just means you can “start over” tomorrow. Have realistic goals that you can meet. Be fair to yourself.

We all have bad days that blindside us, the ups and downs of the grief, but these bad days also enable us to feel the beauty of a good day, the love of a friend, the power of a gorgeous sunset, the peace of a serene lake, or the joy of a child.

Hang on!

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Prescription:  Patience, 100 mg.  A daily dose of patience (100 mg) each morning will fortify you to be patient with yourself, giving yourself time to grieve. Don’t be in a rush. Wallow in your grief. Feel every emotion. “Name it and claim it,” as TV’s Dr. Phil advises. You need to have patience while grieving.

Listen to your heart. Do what helps, not what others think you should do. Feel the burdens of anger, guilt, loneliness, sadness and confusion slip away as you deal openly with each emotion. Go slowly.

Discover what you can do, and do it with all your heart.

Each day, I did what I could, which was only a fraction of what I had accomplished before. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with everything. I had to learn to pick and choose what would make up my day, doing only those things that would give me a lift. Whenever I got overtired, I was a puddle of tears, so I had to learn my limits. Patiently, I had to “reinvent” myself as I created my “new normal,” the new me doing the new things that brought some joy back into my life.

By Elaine Stillwell Grief Digest Magazine – December 7, 2012

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