Sometimes we are only given a few minutes to be with the one we love, and, thousands of hours to think of them.

How would you answer this statement, “Because of you, I…”

_____________________________________

_________________________________

_______________________________

Below is how a bereaved mother answered the question:

 Because of you, I love a little more.

Because of you, I take time to give an extra kiss good-bye.

Because of you, I have a new favorite song,

Because of you, there may be dust on the window sill,

and I don’t care.

Because of you, I live today,

before I worry about tomorrow.

Because of you, I don’t give up quite as fast.

Because of you, I still believe in rainbows.

Because of you, now I can help or listen more.

Because of you…

~Eileen Wernsman, Loving Arms Newsletter

November 2nd is National Look for Circles Day. What?!?!

Days dedicated to special things have always intrigued me but this one really stumped me. From what I could find, it doesn’t look like anyone knows who created “National Look for Circles Day” and why. Which is interesting and got me thinking….so often we search and search for things that are right in front of us.

The idea is to look for circles throughout the day.  It reminded me of when I play car bingo or do road trip scavenger hunts with my son.  So often I will be driving and think, “oh we won’t see one of those” and all of a sudden Jake will say “Look mom! There it is!”

When going through life, it is so easy to feel like we are searching and searching for something when in reality the answer lies right in front of us. Circles are everywhere, just like beauty and happiness. If we focus on the negatives, that is all we will see.

Make a plan to look for as many circles as you can today. Notice how many are all around you. Here is a site that has ideas for scavenger hunts and games that you can do with your coworkers or kids. Then I challenge you to make tomorrow your “Look for the positive in everything day.” Turn your challenges into opportunities and instead of feeling like you are spinning in circles, go out and find your positive circles.

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When you lose someone close to you, there’s a tendency to go into survival mode. We do what we can to get through the tragedy, but little more. Meaning, we do our best to feed and bathe ourselves, but nothing else seems important right now. Well today, I want you to seriously think about the last time you laid back and gazed at the clouds, played a game of hide and seek, or watched the sunset. If you can’t remember, it’s time to change that.

…Did Something Fun?

Death is a very serious matter. So serious that it make us not even want to have fun. But if you’re trying not to have fun, chances are you won’t. So today, I dare you to jump out of your serious state and do something fun or silly. If it means acting like a kid again, do it! You might find this mindless, silly activity is just the thing you need to feel better, even if it’s just for a moment. So jump rope with your kids, swing on the swingset or sing in the shower.

…Did Something for Yourself?

Chances are you’ve been so busy caring for others and working through your grief that you haven’t even thought about taking time for yourself. Every day, make an effort to do at least one thing just for you, whether that means spending an hour at the gym, getting a haircut or just taking an hour at the end of the day to enjoy a glass of wine.

…Did Something Spontaneous?

It’s easy to get stuck in a rut when we’re grieving. We’re so focused on what we need to do each day that we rarely break from our mundane routines. Watch for opportunities  to do something spontaneous. Pick a random day to play hooky from work and drive to the beach or visit a relative. Ask someone out on a date or pick up a new hobby. Sometimes events in our lives that aren’t planned out are the ones that we end up enjoying the most and get the most out of.

It’s not always easy to pull yourself up when you’re feeling down. But if you make a conscious effort every day to do something different, to give yourself a break from your grief work, you will be thankful you did. This is time that you can forget about the pain and focus on you for a change.

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Losing your loved one is like getting the wind knocked out of you. For a moment in time, you can’t breathe, you’re disoriented, you may even lose feeling. But instead of the physical loss of feeling you experience after a long fall or punch in the stomach, death causes an emotional loss of feeling. Joy, happiness, excitement, even love seem like sensations that you remember from another lifetime, but never actually experience for yourself. But the truth is, love does live on in you after death. As you work through the healing process, you will start to realize that, and you’ll find love again.

Family

There is no bond stronger than family. The love you have for your family is unconditional. Although death has a way of making us forget this momentarily, your family will always be there for you. As long as your family remains in your life, love will live on in you after death.

Friends & Mentors

Sometimes the sheer magnitude of death can actually bring us closer to people that we might not otherwise have given the opportunity. People have a tendency to bond over the pain of loss and find comfort in sharing the common feelings and experiences that death brings. The friends and mentors that stick by your side during this tragic time are the ones that will be with you forever. Your love and appreciation for these special people will live on in you for years to come.

Your Pet

Is there anyone more reliably there for you than your pet? The bond you have with your pet is something so unique. If nothing else in your day is certain, at least you can count on your dog or cat to be there for you when you come home from work. Not only will they be there, but they’ll greet you with excitement, they forgo any potential for judgement and bring you comfort without having to say a single word. That is love.

Life

Eventually you will love life again. You’ll find joy in your work, your hobbies and the little things that happen every day that make life special and unique. It’s hard to imagine at first. Right now you probably resent everyone around you who appears to love life because it seems so unattainable to you. But trust that one day, you will love life again.

Though it may be hard to imagine at first, love does not die with your loved one. Love will live on in you if you let it. How does love live on in you after the death of your loved one?

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What is hope really? We use that word all the time; “I hope it doesn’t rain today,” “Let’s hope the flight leaves on time.” We use the word hope so often, it’s easy to lose sight of the strength and power behind it. After all, when used in any of these examples, the word hope is diminished to little more than a wish. When we’re grieving the loss of a loved one, we have to believe that hope is so much more than that. Hope is what gets us up on those bleek mornings when nothing seems worth getting up for. Hope is what forces us to get out of the house when all we really want to do is hide from the world. When you are grieving you have to consciously cultivate hope in your life, and it starts with a firm understanding of what hope really is.

Hope Defined

Hope
-noun: A feeling of desire for something and a strong confidence in the possibility of its fulfillment.

When we dissect the word hope the real power and strength of this word becomes apparent. It shows that hope is more than a mere wish for something to happen, it’s a desire. And not only do we feel this desire, but we are confident that this desire will be fulfilled. That’s the definition of hope we need to cling to in the face of grief.

How Will You Cultivate Hope?

As you work your way through grief, how will you seek out and cultivate hope? It would be easy to give up on hope and just tell yourself, I have nothing to be hopeful for anymore. But the truth is, you still have plenty to be hopeful for in life, but it’s up to you to remember what that is. So what will you hope for?

• Hope to find happiness again
• Hope to love again
• Hope to be at peace with yourself or God
• Hope for life to return to some semblance of “normal”

Once you accept that you still have hope in your life, it’s up to you to seek it out. Your every action should support your ambitions for your hope.

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We all have a gift: An acute ability to do something really well. Maybe you’ve been blessed with natural athletic ability, astounding intelligence, or a knack for cheering people up when they need it the most. Talents come in all different variations, but the one thing they have in common, is that they are not meant to be kept to yourself. It’s up to you to recognize your gift and share it with others.

Recognizing Your Gift

For some people, it’s obvious what their gift is. Some people are lucky enough to realize their talent from a young age and have been nurturing it for years. Other people might not recognize their talent without first doing some introspective thinking. If you’re not sure what your gift is, take some time to ask yourself a few questions:

• What do you enjoy doing?
• What do people tell you you’re good at?
• What do people come to you for help with?
• What do you spend your free time doing?
• What do you enjoy reading or learning about?

Sharing Your Gift

Once you have discovered your gift, the next step is finding a way to share it with others. Depending on what your talent is, the answer may not be so obvious. Start by thinking about what other people with your gift are doing to share it with others. Is that something you can re-create to some extent or in some variation? Next figure out a way to make it happen. In other words, figure out how you’re going to start living your life in a way that makes use of your unique gifts and talents; whether that means finding volunteer opportunities in the community, helping out friends and family or even making a career change.

Once you start using your gifts in your everyday life, you can really start to feel like you’re living your life to the fullest and that spreads to those around you. When you do what you love, you’re not afraid to jump in with both feet and there’s nothing keeping you from really digging in. Start slowly and gradually find more and more ways to share your gifts and talents with those around you. Remember, you only live one life, so it’s up to you to make it count and live life to the fullest.

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When someone close to you passes away, your life is forever changed. You can’t help but feel their absence when you wake up in the morning and go to bed at night. Although your loved one’s physical presence is not something that can be replaced, you can try to fill the void with a daily ritual that helps you to feel closer to them. Here are just a few ideas of rituals you can do every day to comfort yourself during your time of loss and feel closer to your departed loved one.

1. Light a Candle

Sometimes the simple act of lighting a candle is enough to put us into a reflective state. The candle light is not only symbolic of your loved one’s spiritual presence, but it encourages you to remember your loved one and think about all of the wonderful moments you spent with them. Every night, take a minute or two to light a candle in your home and spend some time thinking about your departed loved one.

2. Daily Prayer

If you are spiritually oriented, make time every day for a prayer. Offer up a prayer for the spirit of your departed loved one and give thanks for the many blessings you still have in your life. Praying right away when you wake up in the morning is a great way to start your day, as it serves as a reminder that each day is precious and pushes you to live your day to the fullest.

3. Say “Good Night” to Your Loved One

Throughout the day you may be so busy with your demanding schedule that you don’t realize how much you miss your loved one. It’s not until things calm down in the evening that you start to feel your departed loved one’s absence and wish they were there for you to talk to. Each night before you go to bed, wish your loved one a “good night” and spend some time telling them about your day.

4. Listen to Their Favorite Song

Sensory cues are very powerful memory aides. If your loved one had a song that they loved or if the two of you shared a special song, keep a copy of the song in your car or on your iPod so that you can play it whenever you need a pick-me-up from your loved one. Play the song on your way to work, while your making dinner or stuck in traffic to help you reflect on the memories of your departed love one.

5. Visit Their Burial Site

Visiting the burial site is a ritual that can help you to feel physically close to your departed loved one. It’s where you laid their body to rest, so you might feel comfort knowing that you are so close to your loved one’s resting place. Visit your loved one’s burial site whenever you can and bring flowers, a candle or handwritten letter with you.

Any one of these rituals is a great way to stay connected with your departed loved one and reflect on the wonderful time you got to spend with them here on Earth. Try out a few rituals until you find one that brings you the most comfort, helps you through those inevitable tough days and lifts you up each and every day. What are some of the rituals that you’ve incorporated into your life following the death of your loved one?

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Everything changes following the death of a loved one. Even things that you thought you could count on to always stay the same, like holidays, feel very different. You have a choice when it comes to how you adjust to the absence of your loved one; You can dwell on the fact that your holidays just aren’t the same anymore, or you can make new traditions while honoring and commemorating your loved one. Here are 4 fun family traditions that you can start this year.

1. Send a Note to Heaven

What we wouldn’t give to wish our loved one a Merry Christmas just one more time. Why not wish your loved one a Merry Christmas every year, together as a family? Next Holiday season, instruct your family members to craft a note to your departed loved one, telling them all that happened throughout the year or whatever’s on their mind. On Christmas morning, put your notes into balloons, fill the balloons with helium, and let them fly. Then go on to enjoy the Holiday, knowing that your loved one is with you in spirit on that special day.

2. Participate in a Charity Run/Walk

If your community has an organized run or walk every year, make it a point to participate in this event each year as a family, and dedicate your efforts to your departed loved one. You can even make t-shirts to let everyone know that you are a team and to make people aware of your cause.

3. Annual Family Picture

It’s amazing how much we change in just one year. You may not notice the changes in your mother’s face or how much your son has grown because you see them so often. But if you take a picture each year and put the pictures side by side, you’re bound to notice a significant difference. This is a great way to slow down time for just a moment with your family, and you’ll never regret having all of those pictures to look back at over the years.

4. Create a Family Bucket List

We all have some form of a bucket list, or list of things we aspire to do at least once in our lifetimes. But wouldn’t it be great to have a family-focused bucket list, separate from your own. The list would include fun things that you could do as a family and each year, you could pick an activity from the bucket list. You could even do that activity on a day of significance, like the anniversary of your loved one’s death, or their birthday.

Making new traditions isn’t always easy. You’re used to the old traditions, which included your departed loved one, so letting them go is easier said than done. But as you start to engage in these new traditions, you’ll realize that you still have something to celebrate: Your loving family, and the time you got to spend with your loved one here on Earth.

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I think John Mayer said it best in his song, “Say What You Need to Say.” Who honestly doesn’t have something they’ve been meaning to tell someone close to them, but for whatever reason, they haven’t; whether they can’t find the words, never had the opportunity or lacked the courage. There are so many reasons to hold back when it comes to expressing our feelings to those we love, but in the grand scheme of things, wouldn’t you rather rest easy knowing your loved one knows exactly how you feel?

Don’t Assume They Know

Sometimes the reason we fail to express our feelings to those we love is that we just assume they know. It’s implied that you love your husband, because well, you’re married to him. Or you assume your mother knows how much you appreciate her because you say “thank you” whenever she helps you out. While that’s polite and halfway expresses your gratitude, it could easily be seen as a formality in the eyes of your mother. Something you say by default without even thinking about it. Make it a point to go out of your way on a regular basis to express your love and gratitude for those who truly matter to you.

It’s Never Too Late

If it’s pride holding you back from expressing your feelings, the only one you’re hurting is yourself. If you’ve been in the middle of a sibling feud for years, how would you feel if tomorrow your sibling passed away? Family is family and there’s no replacement. Chances are, you would feel an overwhelming guilt and sadness, knowing that you never took the time to patch things up between you and your estranged loved one.

Take out of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walkin’ like a one man army
Fightin’ with the shadows in your head
Livin’ up the same old moment
Knowin’ you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for givin’ in
Have no fear for givin’ over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shakin’
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closin’
Do it with a heart wide open
A wide heart

Say what you need to say

~ John Mayer

If you’re always expecting the worst, you can bet you’ll experience the worst. However, if you approach each day expecting great things, you’re more likely to encounter great things. Just as self-fulfilling prophesies can turn negative thoughts into a negative reality, positive thoughts can result in a positive reality. Inc. Magazine’s final tip for ensuring that a bad morning doesn’t turn into a bad day is to expect something wondrous. If you go through life expecting wonderful things around every corner, you’re more likely to see the wonder, and life will be that much sweeter.

Look Past the Darkness

After the death of a loved one, it’s hard to see things in a positive light. You feel like you’re living in a fog and even the brightest rays of hope are hard to see through the haze. It takes a while to finally see the good in life, but it doesn’t happen until you start expecting it. If you wake up every day expecting it to be as sad and lonely as the day before, it surely will be. If you start the day expecting something wondrous, you’ll begin to notice the opportunities in front of you and you’ll act on those opportunities. For example, an invitation to lunch begins to look like more than just lunch, but an opportunity to develop a new friendship.

What You See is What You Get

What do you see when you look at this woman? Do you see a beautiful young woman looking over her shoulder, or do you see an elderly woman with a big nose? Everyone sees something different the first time they see this image. But after you know that the image shows two different women, you can’t help but see both.

Much like the image of the two women, if you’re looking for something wonderful in life, you’ll see something wonderful. In fact, it will be hard not to see the wonderful things all around you.

Whether you’re trying to improve your day or your life, the common thread running through almost every tip, is the importance of your attitude. Happiness is a mental state, therefore it only makes sense that you can achieve happiness with your thoughts. Bad things are still going to happen, but how you react to them is what determines whether or not you continue to live a wonderful, happy life.

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