If you have suffered a miscarriage then you probably received comments from people that you wished you wouldn’t have gotten. I remember after I lost my baby, a friend of mine warned me that people were going to say things that are meant to be supportive but would make me feel worse. She was right, I was shocked by some of the comments.

Losing a baby, no matter how far along you are, is extremely painful. If you know someone that has lost a little one here are some statements you want to avoid:

1. “At least you weren’t that far along.”

When you are pregnant, a baby is a baby. Its doesn’t matter how old the child is. It is still a member of the family that mom and dad will never meet.

2. “At least you have other children.”

It may seem easier for a woman that already has children to go through a miscarriage then someone that doesn’t. Having other children does not take away the pain of losing a child.

3. “At least you can try again.”

While this may seem supportive, when you lose a baby the last thing you want to think about is trying again. Getting pregnant again will not replace the grief with joy. You always grieve the one you lost.

4. “Everything happens for a reason.”

Miscarriages do happen for many reasons, however this statement does not provide comfort because many times the parents don’t know the reason.  If there is a known medical reason, parents still have a hard time dealing with why it happened at all.

The best way to show support is to simply say, “I am sorry”. You may also consider buying them a remembrance keepsake. When you lose a baby, you want to move forward but you never want to forget.

Related articles

• Honoring a Lost Baby – Miscarriage – Grief & Loss (everydayfamily.com)
• Positive thinking: Finding light in the darkness (foolishsagewisdom.wordpress.com)
• Moving Forward After Miscarriage (bostonmamas.com)
• The Lord gave and He hath taken away (livingonpbj.wordpress.com)

As we approach Father’s Day, we start thinking about our dads and what they mean or meant to us. Father’s Day is a very special day, as it gives us an opportunity to go out of our way and thank our dads for the love and care they showed for us over the years. Sadly, there are some fathers out there who dread Father’s Day. For those dads who have lost a child, Father’s Day is nothing but a harsh reminder of their departed child. Often they suffer the death of their child in silence and the results are tragic.

The Grieving Dads Project

As a father who has lost two children of his own, Kelly Farley knows all too well the pain and suffering that dads go through after the loss of a child. That’s why he has made it his mission to help grieving fathers everywhere to heal with the help and support of other grieving fathers. Grieving Dads is a book compiled of the tragic stories of men who suffer the death of a child. The book serves as a resource for other men to learn that they are not alone in their suffering. The corresponding website serves as a place where grieving dads can go to share their story openly and honestly with the community.

This year, Kelly has taken on the challenge of raising $20,000 to help make his book more accessible to people all over the world. Kelly kicked off the fundraiser in May and the goal is to raise the money by Father’s Day 2012. If you know a grieving dad and don’t know quite how to help him in his time of sorrow, make a donation to the Grieving Dads project. If you yourself are a grieving dad and want to help fellow grieving dads, make a donation. Together, we can help support Kelly and other grieving dads as they work through the pain.

Related articles

• What Happens if We Don’t Take Time to Grieve (withsympathygifts.com)

Any holiday is tough to get through after the death of a loved one, but Mother’s Day can be especially hard for those who have lost their mother, and for those mothers who have lost a child. Holidays tend to be painful reminders of what you’ve lost and how you used to celebrate that day. Whether you’ve lost your mother or you’re a mother who’s lost a child, this Mother’s Day is for you. Find a way to celebrate it in a way that brings back memories of your departed loved one and sheds light on the wonderful celebration of mothers everywhere.

Buy Flowers

Flowers are one thing that any mother would love to receive. If you have lost your mother, buy a beautiful bouquet and deliver it to your mother’s memorial. Pay her a visit and tell her how much you still love her. If you are a mother who has lost a child, buy a bouquet for yourself. Set the flowers out to remind yourself that you are a wonderful mother, on this day and every day.

Celebrate with Your Children

If you’re suffering the tragic loss of a child, there’s no doubt that mother’s day will be tough. But don’t forget the other miracles you have in your life. If you have other children, let them celebrate you the way you desserve to be celebrated. It’s okay to be sad and to reflect on the loss of your child, but try not to shut out your other children. They love you very much and will want to take this opportunity to show you.

Celebrate with a Different Mom

Losing a parent is heart-breaking, no matter how old you are. You relied on your mother for things that no one else could provide; support, advice, and unconditional love. Although no one can replace your mom, you can still honor Mother’s Day by celebrating a different mom. Maybe you have a grandma or aunt in your life who you are particularly close with. Perhaps your friend’s mom has been particularly supportive to you over the years. Reach out to one of these other moms this Mother’s Day so that you don’t let the day go by uncelebrated. Your mom would be happy to see you connecting with someone in her absence.

The reason Mother’s Day is so special is because it gives us a reason to give thanks to the woman who brought us into the world and for the many wonderful things she did for us thereafter. If you are that woman to someone, this day is for you, whether that ‘someone’ is with us here on Earth or not. If your own mother has past away, there’s no reason why you still can’t celebrate her on this very special day.

1. Communication

You need to be able to talk about your baby to someone who will listen to you and support you. It is important to talk to your spouse or partner about your feelings. Please understand that you and your spouse/partner may be feeling and thinking very different things; that is normal. What is important is to understand each other’s grief. Talking to another parent who has experienced the loss of a baby can also be very helpful. Allow yourself to ask for support from others. You deserve all the support you can get.

2. Care for Your Soul

Keep a journal about your memories, thoughts and feelings. Even if you only write a short sentence here and there—give it a try. You might even try a special notebook or journal where you and your partner can write back and forth to each other and reflect on each other’s feelings and thoughts.

Write a letter or poem to your baby.

Take walks by yourself. Take some time for quiet reflection. Maybe treat yourself to a massage, some soothing music or a relaxing bath or shower. Meditation or prayer can be comforting.

Read books and articles about the death of a baby. You are not alone in your feelings.

Seek support from your church or clergy. Your faith may be challenged or it may be strengthened. It’s natural to have struggles with your faith and a clergy person or hospital chaplain can help you explore these issues.

3. Seek Help From Others

Seeing other pregnant women or couples with babies will be especially difficult in the days and weeks following your loss. Many parents feel angry, bitter, cheated, sad or guilty for feeling all these emotions. This is a natural reaction. Going to baby showers, baptisms, or events which involve pregnancy or babies can be very difficult to handle emotionally. Feelings are never right or wrong—they just are. You will need to deal with these feelings and, with time, they will become less raw. It is okay to opt out of gatherings which are too painful right now. Most people will understand, especially other parents who have had a loss. Talking to another mother or father about these mixed-up feelings can really help.

Feelings are never right or wrong—they just are. You will need to deal with these feelings and, with time, they will become less raw.

By Theresa Shuck, MS

SHARE Pregnancy and Loss Support

St. Vincent Hospital

February 2004

The grieving process is extremely painful. After the death of a loved one, it feels like the pain will never go away. Although the pain will never fully go away, there will come a day when the heavy burden of grief will feel lighter. While that is a sign that you are healing, with it comes the unexpected side-effect of guilt. Know that what you’re feeling is common and a perfectly normal experience during the grieving process. Here are some reminders to help you deal with guilt after the loss of your loved one.

It isn’t Your Fault

We, as humans tend to want to find a reason for everything, even if it means blaming ourselves. Parents who are grieving the loss of a child often feel that they should have been able to prevent their child’s death somehow. The truth is, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. You must accept the fact that you did what you could to keep your child safe and healthy, but sometimes God has other plans.

It’s Okay to Laugh Again

As the dark clouds of sorrow begin to lift, you’ll find yourself laughing again. You’ll find joy once again in the things you used to love. When that happens, there is a tendency to feel guilty. Your loved one is gone so it feels wrong to feel anything but the sadness that you’ve felt for so long. Remind yourself that it’s ok to feel happiness. Your loved one would want you to laugh and be happy once again.

It’s Normal to Move On

Those who have lost their spouse often feel a sense of guilt once they are finally ready to move on with their life. The thought of dating again seems wrong, but if you’re ready, there’s nothing wrong with moving on and finding someone to share your life with again.

Don’t Dwell on What You “Should Have Done”

When your loved one dies unexpectedly, it’s common to feel guilty about the way you left things. Perhaps you hadn’t called in a while or maybe you had an argument left unresolved. Of course that’s not how you wanted things to end between the two of you. If you had known that was to be the last time you spoke you would have made the effort and taken the time to tell them how much you care. Take comfort knowing that your loved one knows the love you felt for them regardless.

You can’t change what happened and you can’t turn back time, so there’s no sense in beating yourself over something you can’t control. Try to relieve yourself of these feelings of guilt by reminding yourself of the love you felt for the departed.

Very few things are as painful or devastating as the loss of a child. There is no love like the love you feel for your child, so to lose that child is nothing short of a tragedy. Then what do you do for someone who has experienced such a loss? It seems like nothing you say or do is substantial enough to help. The parents don’t expect you to undo their loss, they know you can’t. But they do need you to be there for them and to support them in their time of sorrow. Here are 4 ways you can help console someone who is grieving the loss of a child.

1. Just Take Care of It

Don’t wait for the parents to ask you for a favor, it likely won’t happen. Take note of where they could use some help and just take care of it. Tell them you’re coming over tomorrow to clean the house. Pick up some essentials at the grocery store and re-stock their fridge. Bring over a meal on your way home from work one night. These gestures show that you’re thinking of the parents during this difficult time and that you’re here for them.

2. Listen

Sometimes a grieving parent just needs to talk about it. Even if you think the parents have more than enough people to talk to, offer up your ear anyway. It’s not safe to make these assumptions because everyone reacts differently to these types of circumstances. Some people shy away from talking about death, so some of the parent’s best friends might be MIA at a time when they need them most.

3. Share Your Memories

If you have any pictures, videos or stories of your friend’s son or daughter, find a way to share them. If you have time, put together a scrapbook of pictures and write the story behind each picture in the margins. You could have pictures or memories of their child that the parents never knew about. The parents will cherish these additional memories of their child forever.

4. Visit “Just Because”

You don’t always need a reason to stop in and visit. Often impromptu visits are the most meaningful for parents who are grieving. It shows that you were just thinking about them and felt like stoping by. The pressure is off and there are no expectations on either end. You never know, you could have caught them at a time when they really needed someone but were too afraid to ask.

Every parent handles the loss of a child differently. Don’t assume that just because you know someone else who has lost a child that you know what they’re going through. All you can do is be there for the parents and offer up a helping hand during this sad time.

                                                                                             Remembering Noel Ann Smith                                                                                               February 8, 2007  - March 2, 2008

It’s really not good-bye.  When you say good-bye, you are saying good-bye to the physical presence, not the person’s spirit or love. The person’s spirit will continue to live on and connect with you in ways that can be unimaginable to you.

When you think about your loved one…remember  her love for you.  It doesn’t go away. It stays with you.  Love is eternal.  Once you have love, you cannot lose it.  It is yours always.  It does not diminish over time, but continues to grow stronger especially from the spiritual realm.

I am with you always..

 In Memory of Noel Ann Smith, on Her Birthday 

I heard your giggle in the wind today
and I turned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
as I stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today
as its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
and my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane
as I watched the falling rain;
It seemed as each raindrop fell
it quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today
it made me feel complete;
You may have died…but you are not gone
you will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines…
the wind blows…
the rain falls…
You will live on inside of me forever
for that is all my heart knows.

Remembrance Poems

The world may never notice
if a rosebud doesn’t bloom
or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon,

but every life that ever forms
or ever comes to be
touches the world
in some small way for all eternity.

The little one we longed for
was swiftly here and gone,
but the love that was then planted
is a light that still shines on

And though our arms are empty
our hearts know what to do
every beating of our heart says,
“We will remember you.”

• I Believe…a Poem of Encouragement for the Grieving Heart (withsympathygifts.com)
• A Lovely Poem: Cherish His Memory and Let it Live On! (withsympathygifts.com)

He is Gone
You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your  back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on

David Harkins 

• She Is Gone (generalmarcelo.wordpress.com)
• When tomorrow starts without me (belledate.wordpress.com)
• Days (awakenedwords.wordpress.com)
• Just Another Thursday (growingyoungereachday.wordpress.com)
• Poems for Healing – A Better Place (grief-loss-info.blogspot.com)

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• Poems for Healing – A Better Place (grief-loss-info.blogspot.com)