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In Western society, the practice of actively mourning through symbolic clothing or jewelry has faded, reflecting our culture’s preference for getting things done fast, which can provide the false impression that “everything is back to normal.” In the past, wearing black clothing or putting a wreath on a home was a symbol of mourning. Today people are wearing silicone bracelets or bands to indication their connection to a cause. The “Live Strong” bracelets from Lance Armstrong started this movement. The bands typically can be worn by others as an act of support for a person they care about, or as a sign to others that you are personally affected by an issue.

For those who are grieving, custom band bracelets are often now available at funeral homes for you to add the name of your loved one with a special symbol or saying. You can also find bracelets online through the Widowers Toolbox. When the grandfather died in a large family, the grandkids ranging from ages 11 to 22, wore white bracelets with the deceased name and a dove. These bracelets can open up the door of conversation to others to let them know that you are grieving and build an understanding about what is helpful to you.

Depending on your comfort level, bands can be worn with the writing on the outside (an opportunity to share with others), the writing in the inside (eliminating the opportunity for discussion) or concealed (shielding you from discussion).

If displaying or wearing a symbol of mourning is comfortable to you, what others ideas do you have for such a symbol?

Chelsea

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In the rising of the sun,

And it’s going down,

We remember you.

In the blowing of the wind,

And in the chill of winter,

We remember you.

In the opening of buds,

And in the warmth of summer,

We remember you.

In the rustling of leaves,

And in the beauty of autumn

We remember you.

In the beginning of the year

And when it ends,

We remember you.

We remember you,

And as long as we live

You shall live too,

For your are a part of us as,

We remember you.

People have been figuring out how to grieve for centuries, long before the mental health community began. You are already doing everything right, just as people before you have. Losing someone is painful. It is probably the worst thing you will ever go through in your life, but you are getting through one day at a time. Let’s think about the progress you’ve made:

The questions above all refer to restoration-oriented tasks, which you develop as you learn to integrate the loss of your loved one into your life. As you reflect on these questions, you may be surprised by how far you have come already.

Remember, tomorrow will be better than today.

Chelsea

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When you lose someone close to you, there’s a tendency to go into survival mode. We do what we can to get through the tragedy, but little more. Meaning, we do our best to feed and bathe ourselves, but nothing else seems important right now. Well today, I want you to seriously think about the last time you laid back and gazed at the clouds, played a game of hide and seek, or watched the sunset. If you can’t remember, it’s time to change that.

…Did Something Fun?

Death is a very serious matter. So serious that it make us not even want to have fun. But if you’re trying not to have fun, chances are you won’t. So today, I dare you to jump out of your serious state and do something fun or silly. If it means acting like a kid again, do it! You might find this mindless, silly activity is just the thing you need to feel better, even if it’s just for a moment. So jump rope with your kids, swing on the swingset or sing in the shower.

…Did Something for Yourself?

Chances are you’ve been so busy caring for others and working through your grief that you haven’t even thought about taking time for yourself. Every day, make an effort to do at least one thing just for you, whether that means spending an hour at the gym, getting a haircut or just taking an hour at the end of the day to enjoy a glass of wine.

…Did Something Spontaneous?

It’s easy to get stuck in a rut when we’re grieving. We’re so focused on what we need to do each day that we rarely break from our mundane routines. Watch for opportunities  to do something spontaneous. Pick a random day to play hooky from work and drive to the beach or visit a relative. Ask someone out on a date or pick up a new hobby. Sometimes events in our lives that aren’t planned out are the ones that we end up enjoying the most and get the most out of.

It’s not always easy to pull yourself up when you’re feeling down. But if you make a conscious effort every day to do something different, to give yourself a break from your grief work, you will be thankful you did. This is time that you can forget about the pain and focus on you for a change.

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What is hard for you? What do you hate to do? As you identify these tasks, think about how to make them easier. Here are some examples of problem solving:

If you can’t think of any ideas to address some of your immediate problems, enlist a supportive person to help you problem solve.

You can figure it out!

Chelsea

Do you have faith? How has your faith changed since the passing of your loved one? Such a monumental life occurrence is bound to have some type of impact on our deep-rooted beliefs. For some, tragedy leads to doubt or a re-evaluation of their faith, while others feel stronger in their faith in the aftermath of death. Rather than blaming God for what happened or using your loss as an excuse to write off faith, allow your faith to help you through this hard time.

Faith Defined

Faith
-noun: A belief that is not based on proof.

Faith takes different forms for everyone. For some, faith has a religious meaning, whereby their faith is a belief in a higher power. For others faith takes the form of trust or confidence in someone. Whatever form your faith takes, the common denominator is that you have no proof to back this trust or belief. But something inside you leads you to believe it so.

How Has Faith Changed in the Wake of Loss?

Loss has a way of making us re-evaluate our faith, especially for those of us who have faith in God or some higher power. You may find yourself thinking, ‘Why would God do this to me, to our family?’ If you find your faith is shaken in the wake of death, ask yourself, what does your loss have to do with this belief you previously held so close? A belief so strong that you didn’t even need proof to know that it was true.

At a time when you feel so alone in the world, why not take the opportunity to strengthen your faith? Your faith should be an extension of your support group. It’s there for you during your darkest hour, to lift you up and help you feel whole again. If you’re feeling lost in your faith in the aftermath of death, it couldn’t hurt to reach out to someone to help you see the light.

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As you grieve the loss of your loved one, life can seem overwhelming. From moment to moment your emotions change. One minute you are smiling and the next you are crying. Because everything seems much harder, it is important to acknowledge your small successes:

Celebrating you,

Chelsea

Try this Affirmation: I acknowledge all of my accomplishments.

Anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one or been close to someone who has, knows that the tragedy of death extends far beyond the actual loss of your loved one. If grief is not handled with care, the tragedy puts roots down and makes itself a permanent part of your life. So often we see people who are clearly suffering from the loss of a loved one, but don’t know how to handle their grief. Maybe they failed to deal with it from the beginning, or maybe they did work through it for a while, but gave up when they weren’t healing as fast as they thought they should. Unfortunately, these people could end up leading an even more tragic life as time goes on if they start down this path of destruction.

Know Your Triggers and Avoid Them

It’s always going to seem easier to bury your grief than to face it. For example, a lot of people use alcohol as a way to run from their grief in hopes that the alcohol will numb the pain of loss. There are several problems with this logic, but the big one being that alcohol is a depressant. When you over indulge in alcohol, you’re likely to find yourself in more pain later when the alcohol has a chance to make an impact. This impact will likely take the form of tears or some other outward sign of grief, but it can even go beyond that. You may end up hurting those around you, either physically or emotionally. You could end up saying things you don’t mean and alienating the very people that you need in your life to help you get through this.

If alcohol is your trigger, do your best to avoid it. There are other triggers that can cause your grief to spiral out of control and everyone’s trigger is going to be different. The point is that you need to have a good understanding of your trigger so that you know what to avoid in order to make the grieving process easier on yourself and those around you.

Find a Grief Buddy

Your grief buddy should not be someone who you can sit around with and wallow in your sorrows together, but rather someone who knows exactly what you’re going through and how to help you through those particularly challenging times. This person may or may not have experienced a tragic loss as well, and if so, you can reciprocate as their grief buddy. Sticking with the example from above, there will always be those friends who encourage you to drink with them. Maybe it gives them the sense that you are “back to your old self again” or maybe they take it as a sign that you’re “getting better.” Chances are those people won’t be around long enough to see you through the ramifications of those few drinks. Your grief buddy on the other hand, will be by your side to help you to sidestep your trigger and the subsequent self-destructive path that would likely follow.

Your life is still precious and valuable, even without your departed loved one in it. It may be hard to see that now, but do your best to remind yourself of that often so that you don’t get caught on this path of destruction. Take care of yourself and deal with your grief in a healthy way, and you’ll come out whole again on the other side.

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Grieving means to adjust to the world without the deceased. This includes big changes and little changes.

You may have a sense of helplessness on how to get along without your loved one. This is a fear commonly experienced by those grieving.

You will get through the changes. You are learning to live in a whole new world. You are learning how to problem solve.

Seek a family member, friend or neighbor to teach you what you haven’t had to do in the past. If your budget allows, hire service professionals to assist with the lawn, cleaning, meals or other household tasks. Even if you can handle these tasks, consider giving yourself a break by recruiting outside help.

For the larger changes, talk to a family member, financial advisor or professional counselor. Now is the time to seek support. Don’t go it alone, extra support will help you through grief, especially in the beginning. People want to help you!

Wishing you an easier time,

Chelsea

Grief is about “relearning” the world.

~Thomas Attig.

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