The following is a guest blog post from Lori Pederson, author of the blog, I Did Not Know What to Say.

The words fun and adventure are rarely discussed when someone is grieving. The grieving process can be lonely and full of a deep sense of loss and sadness for long periods of time. However, the grieving process can also include joy and inspiration.

Over the holidays, I had the opportunity to go to Disneyland with my sister to see my niece’s band perform. My last trip to Disneyland was over 17 years ago after my mother had passed away. As I walked through the park, I remembered how much joy it brought me to go to Disneyland even when I was in the midst of deep sadness.

My friends took me to Disneyland to help lift my spirits a few weeks after my mother’s funeral. It was hard to imagine having fun while I was full of sadness, but when my friends suggested going to Disneyland, I felt it would be an opportunity for me to relax and have a little fun.

My mom loved Disneyland, and we went often when I was growing up. Going to Disneyland not only was a way to have fun, it was also a way to connect with my mom through a shared passion for the happiest place on earth.

We had a magical day. We let go, we had fun and just enjoyed the sunshine and the rides. It was a tremendous release!

Taking the time to take your loved one out of the everyday heaviness they are experiencing, can be an uplifting gift that they will cherish. Here are a few suggestions on how to get started with planning an Inspirational Adventure.

1. What is Their Comfort Level?

Each person is unique and so too is the journey through the grieving process. When approaching a friend about getting out into the world, be compassionate about their comfort level. Always include them in the planning process.

 2. Find Adventures That are Fun for Them

What do they love to do? What have they always wanted to do? Help them reconnect with life and joy through the simple pleasures in life. Do they love going to the movies? Going to the beach? Walking through the park? Going to Disneyland? Did they always want to learn how to dance? Help them understand that they are allowed to have fun, even though they are grieving.

 3. This is Not a Time to Push or Demand

Start out slow and offer options that move them in a direction of hope and joy. Allow them to say “no” if they are not ready.

 4. Avoid Surprises

The grieving process can be overwhelming. Even if your intentions are admirable, surprising someone that is grieving does not allow them the opportunity to back out if they are not ready or have had a rough day.

 5. Start out slow and Allow Them to Put One Foot in Front of the Other

In the early stages of grief just getting out of bed and taking a walk can be difficult. Each little step forward will help your loved one restore balance in his or her life.

An Inspirational Adventure will not take away the deep feelings of sadness or cure the grief that your loved one is experiencing. However, it may bring a smile to their face, open their heart just a little, and help them begin to feel joy again.

Lori Pederson, Founder of I Did Not Know What To Say, a website built to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist a love one through the grieving process.   If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your friends and family members through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a love one, please visit our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.  

Related articles

• Find Happiness, Even in the Dark (withsympathygifts.com)
• Trust the Process of Grieving (withsympathygifts.com)
• Some Days are Better Than Others (withsympathygifts.com)

The journey through grief can be long and difficult. Remember to be very gentle with yourself.

• Treat yourself as you would your child. Be kind, loving, tender, caring and generous.
• Accept that you have suffered a debilitating wound, and you need to heal.
• Think of yourself as in intensive care.

Empathy is having the ability to recognize and share the feelings of another person. It’s what allows us as humans to have compassion for those who are suffering. Because we have empathy, we can recognize when a person is grieving and express our sympathy appropriately. However, some situations are easier to be empathetic about than others. Sometimes it seems like our life experiences are so far removed from those of the person grieving, that it’s hard to conger up these feelings of empathy. In other words, we can’t even imagine what they are going through because we’ve never had an experience even remotely close to their’s. Other times, we know exactly what our loved one is going through, but fail to relate to them appropriately. For those situations, we have to try even harder to show empathy and be sympathetic toward someone who is grieving.

Put Yourself in Their Shoes

It’s very common for a grief-stricken person to act differently than they normally would. There are so many emotions, most of them negative, that the person may act out or say hurtful things. It’s not always pleasant for the people around them, and that’s why it’s so important to practice showing empathy and compassion. In order to truly feel empathy for someone else, you must put things into perspective and imagine yourself in their shoes. Think about if you had experienced that loss yourself. It’s painful to think about, but that pain is a reality for the person who is grieving. If you find yourself on the receiving end of those raw emotions and hurtful words, reach deep down and conger up the empathy to forgive quickly and extend a helping hand.

Show, Don’t Tell

Try to show the grieving person that you know how they feel rather than saying, “I know how you feel.” Although you’re trying to relate to your loved one and comfort them by letting them know that they are not alone in their loss, it diminishes their grief and takes the focus off of them. It gives them the sense that you are looking for someone to console you, when they are really the person that needs to be consoled at this time. Instead, try to think about what you would want someone to do for you if you were in their shoes. If you truly do know how they feel because you’ve been there before, then think back to that time to remember what things people did to help you through. Maybe you received a thoughtful gift or keepsake that brightened your day, or perhaps someone helped you take care of all of the household chores that had piled up during your time of mourning. Do something that shows that you understand their pain and are here to help them through.

Whenever you’re questioning whether or not you’re helping your loved one through their grief, ask yourself, “am I being empathetic toward my loved one?”. Are you treating them the way you’d want to be treated during a time of grief? The answer will let you know what you need to do.

It’s hard to know how to react when we find out someone has cancer. There’s no doubt that the word “cancer” conjures up some strong feelings, so we have a tendency to speak emotionally, often without first thinking it through. However, there are some phrases and sentiments that you’ll want to avoid using when you find out someone has cancer.

“At Least You Don’t Have Cancer of the _____”

It may be true that some forms of cancer are more dismal than others, but any cancer diagnosis is a tragedy for that person and those around them. Don’t try to minimize the significance of their illness by saying “At least you don’t have pancreatic cancer because that form of cancer is more severe,” or something of that nature.

“How Long Do You Have to Live?”

Even if the diagnosis is fatal, it’s never appropriate to ask about the mortality rate or timeframe. If the person is close to you and feels like divulging that information, they will tell you in their own time.

“My Uncle Had Cancer”

Everyone’s experience with cancer is different. It’s not fair to try and compare the person’s diagnosis to someone else that you know because it might be completely different. Bringing up someone else’s experience with cancer is irrelevant and takes the focus off of the topic at hand, which is the person you’re talking to.

“You Can Beat This”

I understand that this phrase is used out of a desire to be optimistic and upbeat in the face of such a grave prognosis. However, you have to be careful with this phrase because it implies that the person’s fate is in their control. That if they are tough enough and have the right attitude they can overcome cancer. For some people, this is encouraging, but more often than not it can result in feelings of failure if their disease takes a turn for the worse.

Everyone who has been diagnosed with cancer feels differently about it. Likely the person is going to be very sensitive about the subject, so it’s important to choose your words carefully to avoid hurting their feelings or saying something offensive. Try to avoid these phrases and sentiments, and when it comes down to it, just show your compassion. Be empathetic towards their condition and think about what you would want someone to say or not say to you if you were in that position.

Finding out someone close to you has cancer is like getting the wind knocked out of you. At first you feel stunned. The very word ‘Cancer’ is enough to silence you. What do you say? What can you do? How to react? Here are 3 tips for reacting appropriately and compassionately when you find out someone close to you has been diagnosed with cancer.

1. Listen

Listen first so that when it is time to talk, you can say the right thing. Everyone reacts to this terminal diagnosis differently, so before you spew out the first thoughts that come to your mind, listen to their point of view. Find out how they’re doing and how they’re dealing with it.

2. Use Non Verbal Communication

Actions speak louder than words. Sometimes a hug or just holding the person’s hand is enough to let them know that you’re truly there for them. Even if it’s hard, make eye contact so that they know you’re really hearing what they have to say. Show them with your actions how you feel if it’s too hard to speak.

3. Ask What You Can do to Help

Just letting the person know that you’re there for them can be a big comfort. The road to cancer recovery is long and dark, and nobody wants to travel it alone. You could ask what you can do to help, or you can look for a need in their life and just take care of it. Some people don’t feel comfortable asking for help, no matter how badly they need it. Take it upon yourself to find out what they need help with and surprise them by taking care of it.

No one is going to handle difficult news perfectly. We are human, with human emotions that often get in the way of rational thoughts and words. If you’re truly at a loss of words and don’t know what to say, just say you’re sorry. They’ll know what you mean.

The loss of a loved one is not something anyone should have to go through alone. Find someone to share your grief with to lighten the load and ease the pain. It could be someone who was also close to your loved one and is grieving with you, or just a good friend who is willing to listen and be there for you when you need them. You need someone to share your grief and help ease the loss.

1. Open Up

The longer you try to hold in your grief, the harder it will be to move on after the death of a loved one. There are going to be times when you really don’t feel like talking about it. Don’t force yourself. You’ll open up when you’re ready, but don’t intentionally hold it in because you think it’s the right thing to do. Once you’re ready to talk, find someone you trust and let it all out.

2. Pick up the Phone

Even your closest family members and friends are not mind readers. You are the only one who knows how you’re feeling. If you’re feeling particularly down one day, pick the phone and call someone. Anyone. Your friends and family know that you’re going through a hard time so they’ll be happy you called on them to help share your grief and ease your loss.

3. Take Your Mind Off it

Sharing your grief doesn’t always have to revolve around your lost loved one. In fact, one of the best ways a person can share your grief is to help take your mind off of it. Don’t be afraid to have some fun, even when you’re grieving. Call up a friend or family member when you need to take a break from being sad. Even if it’s just to get out of the house for an hour or two.

Don’t carry the burden of death alone. Allow yourself to alleviate the pain by calling upon the people around you for help.

After the flurry of activities calms down and everybody returns to their regular daily routines, the magnitude of the loss starts to set in. This can be one of the worst times for the bereaved, and it is when friends are needed the most. Here are five steps to help a grieving friend over time.

A real friend is one who walks in

when the rest of the world walks out.

Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.

Walk beside me and be my friend.

- Charles Caleb Colton

After the flurry of activities calms down and everybody returns to their regular daily routines, the magnitude of the loss starts to set in. This can be one of the worst times for the bereaved, and it is when friends are needed the most. Here are five steps to help a grieving friend over time.

1. Listen

This is the most important way you can help your friend. Just listen…don’t offer suggestions, advice or solutions. By freely giving a sympathetic ear, this allows your friend to feel safe to express his or her feelings. Learn to be comfortable with shared silence too.

2. Reminisce

Reminisce with your friend about his or her loved one’s life. Sharing fond memories is a wonderful way to provide comfort. Remember, talking about the deceased will not hurt or upset the bereaved. In fact, it is just the opposite. Your friend will appreciate that you haven’t forgotten about his or her loved one, especially as time goes on.

3. Check in Regularly

This simple act will show you care, as well as make your friend more comfortable and secure. This is especially important in the first year after the loss, as your friend gradually adjusts to not having the physical presence of their loved one.

4. Learn about Grief

To understand what your friend is going through, do your best to learn about loss. By having an understanding of the grief process, you can offer more sensitive care and compassion.

5. Remember

Honor special dates including the date of death, birthdays, anniversaries and holidays, which may be especially hard on the bereaved. Your support will be needed and welcomed, especially on these days.

COPYRIGHT 2012, With Sympathy Gifts and Keepsakes, LLC.

When someone is diagnosed with cancer, the devastation spreads far beyond just the person who is diagnosed. Everyone close to that person feels the pain, but few will feel pain as great as the person’s spouse. The spouse is dealing with the fact that they may lose their best friend and partner in life forever. They need your support right now and it’s up to you to find a way to do that.  Here are 3 tips to support the spouse of someone with cancer.

Thinking of You

Anytime you happen to think of your friend, let them know, whether it’s with a card just to let them know you’re thinking of them, or a phone call to check in and see how their doing. Don’t wait for them to come to you for support. Reach out to them because chances are, they won’t ask for help even if they need it.

Fun Day Out

Help take their mind off the issue at hand. Thinking about their spouse’s cancer all day, every day isn’t going to help make it go away and it isn’t productive. Invite your friend to spend the day with you. Take them golfing or on a shopping trip. It doesn’t really matter what you do as long as you find something fun to take his or her mind off of the daily burden of cancer.

Make a Meal

Especially when the spouse is going through treatments, there is the tendency to spend long hours in the hospital. Between hospital visits, work and the events of everyday life, your friend may not have time to prepare dinner most nights. Offer to bring a meal over to the house one night so that the family can enjoy a home-cooked meal together without the work of preparing it or cleaning up.

Since you can’t do anything to rid your friend’s spouse of cancer, you must do the only thing you have control over, and that’s to be there for your friend and show your support. If you still can’t decide the best way to show your support, think about what you would want someone to do for you if you were in that situation. No matter what you do, your friend will recognize your compassion and appreciate your kindness.

I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness.  Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me.  Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning and believe in the rainbow.  Fr. Joe Mahoney, Concerns of Police Surviviors Newsletter 

Are you_____?  Fill in the blank:

• Sensitive
• Loving
• Good Listener
• Caring
• Present in the Moment
• Non-Judgmental
• Comforting
• Empathetic
• Supportive

We need you. These are the characteristics of those who support the bereaved.

A lovely poem or remembrance to provide comfort

Your loved one isn’t missing 
they are there with you each day…
Watching you from heaven 
as you go along your way.
Even though they wear wings of gold 
given by God’s touch,
they are always within your heart 
and love you very much.

• Sympathy Cards and Sympathy Messages – What to Say? (withsympathygifts.com)
• Sympathy Support: How to Provide Immediate Comfort (withsympathygifts.com)