Losing your loved one is like getting the wind knocked out of you. For a moment in time, you can’t breathe, you’re disoriented, you may even lose feeling. But instead of the physical loss of feeling you experience after a long fall or punch in the stomach, death causes an emotional loss of feeling. Joy, happiness, excitement, even love seem like sensations that you remember from another lifetime, but never actually experience for yourself. But the truth is, love does live on in you after death. As you work through the healing process, you will start to realize that, and you’ll find love again.

Family

There is no bond stronger than family. The love you have for your family is unconditional. Although death has a way of making us forget this momentarily, your family will always be there for you. As long as your family remains in your life, love will live on in you after death.

Friends & Mentors

Sometimes the sheer magnitude of death can actually bring us closer to people that we might not otherwise have given the opportunity. People have a tendency to bond over the pain of loss and find comfort in sharing the common feelings and experiences that death brings. The friends and mentors that stick by your side during this tragic time are the ones that will be with you forever. Your love and appreciation for these special people will live on in you for years to come.

Your Pet

Is there anyone more reliably there for you than your pet? The bond you have with your pet is something so unique. If nothing else in your day is certain, at least you can count on your dog or cat to be there for you when you come home from work. Not only will they be there, but they’ll greet you with excitement, they forgo any potential for judgement and bring you comfort without having to say a single word. That is love.

Life

Eventually you will love life again. You’ll find joy in your work, your hobbies and the little things that happen every day that make life special and unique. It’s hard to imagine at first. Right now you probably resent everyone around you who appears to love life because it seems so unattainable to you. But trust that one day, you will love life again.

Though it may be hard to imagine at first, love does not die with your loved one. Love will live on in you if you let it. How does love live on in you after the death of your loved one?

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Helping a child work through the grief of losing a parent is not an easy journey. It’s a time of confusion, anger, frustration and sadness. They want nothing more than to see their mom or dad again. To feel the comfort of their guiding hand and hear their familiar, loving voice. One way to help a child who is grieving the loss of a parent is to help them create memorial items that they can display in their room, to remind them of their parent whenever they are missing mom or dad the most.

1. Picture Mobile

A picture mobile is a whimsical way to display lots of family pictures in a child’s bedroom. Help your child look through family pictures and pick out 10 or so pictures to display in the mobile. Have the pictures laminated to prevent them from wearing and to keep them as flat as possible once they are hanging from the mobile. You can use wood dowels and durable string to construct the mobile and hang the pictures.

2. Canvas Print

Virtually any picture can be made into a canvas print of any size. Help your child pick out their favorite picture with their mom or dad and turn it into a large canvas print to hang in their room. There are a wide variety of specialty online stores that you can use to create your canvas, such as Picaboo, Shutterfly and Snapfish. Creating the canvas is as easy as uploading the picture and selecting the size of the canvas you want.

3. Message Box

What your child will miss the most about their mom or dad is talking to them. Telling them about their day at school and asking them questions. Help your child continue talking to their parent with a special message box that they keep next to their bed. Every night before they go to bed, they can write a little note to mom or dad telling them about their day or whatever’s on their mind.

4. Keepsake

Maybe your child was fascinated by a piece of their mother’s jewelry or a hobby of their father’s. For example if their dad was really into biking, give your child his helmet to keep on their shelf next to the bed. This keepsake will serve as a physical reminder of something their parent used to do or wear.

Although you can’t bring your child’s parent back to them, you can help them work through their grief and remember their parent. Help your child create something memorable and meaningful to display in their room for years to come.

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Children have a hard time understanding that just because they can’t see something, it still exists. That’s why they find the game “Peek-a-boo” so entertaining. Have you ever played hide and seek with a small child? They hide in the most obvious places because they truly think that since they can’t see you, you can’t see them either.

If your family has lost someone close to you, explaining death to your children can be very challenging. You need to explain to them that although your loved one has physically left this earth, they are still here in spirit. You must help them to feel your departed loved one’s spiritual presence so that they don’t think your loved one is out of their life completely.

Talk to Your Departed Loved One

Talking to your departed loved one helps you to feel closer to them in their physical absence. Your children might not understand that they can still talk to their loved one after they have passed away, so it’s up to you to teach them. When you find yourself wanting to say something to your loved one, make it a point to say it in front of your children. Explain to them that your loved one is still with you in spirit. Let your children know that your loved one still wants to hear from them and encourage them to continue to talk too.

Give Your Children Encouragement

If your children feel uncomfortable talking to the departed, or aren’t sure what to say, give them some ideas of what to say and lead by example. Here are just a few topics to get them started:

• Tell them what you did today
• Tell them you miss them
• Tell them you love them and you’re praying for them
• Tell them a funny joke
• Tell them good morning when you wake up and goodnight before you go to bed
• Ask them for guidance
• Ask them to help you through a tough day

Your children are going to have questions for you when you first start talking to the departed, and that’s normal. Do your best to be encouraging and explain to them the importance of staying close with their departed loved ones.

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EDITOR’S NOTE: The following is a letter written by D. Loren Whipple, Hospice of Naples Bereavement Services Coordinator. It is a collection of information gathered directly from bereaved persons.

Dear friends:

I know one can receive without giving for only so long, but I have not yet had enough energy to return the attention I’ve received. I know the mourning process varies with each individual, so I have no idea how long this will last. Though I can see light at the end of the tunnel, I have no idea how long the tunnel is.

I can only ask that you stand by me as long as possible. Mostly, I need you to be a good listener. Please don’t try to problem-solve. This is not something that can be solved. I need your support as I go through my “process” and the best support is your ear and your attempts just to understand or accept. So many of my thoughts and feelings just need to get out, they just need expression. Sometimes I may say or do things that seem strange to you, but I am in all new territory myself. Since most of us don’t have much experience in loss, and have not received any education in it, I don’t know what to expect of myself. I do believe that healthy expression is the key –if only I can be patient with the process.

If I have trouble being patient with my path, I know it must be difficult for you also. It is not easy to feel helpless watching another grapple to find his or her way. So let’s try to be honest with each other so that neither of us feels like we are walking on eggshells. If you want to know what I want, ask. If you need permission to talk about loss, ask. If I wonder if it is okay to discuss something with you, I will ask.

There may be times when I cry. This is healthy, and it doesn’t mean I am “losing it” or “falling apart.” These upsurges of grief will pass, but I must be able to express them.

I need special attention on significant dates. Sometimes I may need a ride or an invitation to dinner. Sometimes I may need to talk. Many times I won’t know what I want.

To the extent that it’s comfortable for me, I will try to regain as much as I can of the “me” that you used to know, but I will be changed. Parts of me must be redefined, and new parts are emerging. I can only hope you like me even better, but also I realize you may be uncomfortable with the changes. You will see me differently either because of my behavior or your perception of my new status. I hope we can hug about our changing relationship and strengthen it.

With love,

Loren

Bereavement Magazine June 1993

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Once the dust starts to settle and you get back to your daily routine following the death of your loved one, you might start thinking about what to do with your loved one’s belongings. You’ll start thinking about this when you open your closet and see your late husbands suites hanging in there, or walk past your child’s room and see their bed the way they left it. Eventually you might decide that it’s time to do something with your loved one’s possessions. What you choose to do with them is entirely up to you and your family, but there are a few things to think about to prepare for this momentous project. Here are 3 tips to prepare yourself to go through your departed loved one’s belongings.

1. Do it When You’re Ready

There’s no timeline for going through your loved one’s belongings. It is entirely up to you to decide if or when to do this. Some people like to see their departed loved one’s belongings randomly throughout the day. It also might take you a while to feel like you can physically go through their things without breaking down. If the thought of getting rid of your loved one’s possessions makes you feel sad or guilty, then you’re not ready. Don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to do.

2. Invite Your Family to Help You

Once you’re ready to go through your loved one’s belongings invite your family to help you with the process. You’ll be surprised how many wonderful memories this activity will stir up and the fun you could have sharing these memories as a family. You may also want to pass on some of your loved one’s belongings to your family members, and this is the perfect opportunity to do so.

3. Do it on a “Good Day”

If you plan on going through your loved one’s belongings this weekend, but Saturday comes and you wake up feeling terrible, don’t force it. Some days are just better than others when you’re grieving, so be sure to go through your departed loved one’s possessions on a day that you are in a good place. You’re going to get emotional at some point during the process no matter what, but if you try to push through despite your somber mood, this activity will be even more difficult.

The most important thing to remember when you plan to go through your loved one’s possessions is to do it if and when you are ready. Additionally, don’t feel like you have to purge your house of all of their belongings. Be sure to pick out the things that matter most to you and keep them as treasured memories of the person you love and miss so deeply.

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A child’s memory of their departed loved one will fade fast if they don’t make the effort to remember. A young child hasn’t had the luxury of time with their loved one and the years and years of memories that you may have stored away. For example, a 5-year-old may only have one or two years of concrete memories of their grandma. As their parent, it’s up to you to help solidify those few memories don’t slip away as time goes on. Here are 5 ways to help your child hold on to these precious memories of their departed loved one.

1. Write a Memory Every Day

It’s best if you can find a way to turn your child’s memory preservation into a fun project. Take the time to help your children write a memory of their loved one everyday. You can take each memory and turn it into a memory book, complete with pictures and photographs of their loved one. Your children will have fun making the book and it will help them to keep the memories of their loved one vividly in their minds.

2. Make a Picture Book

If you’re children aren’t old enough to write, help them to make a picture book. Spend some time each day talking about their loved one and then have them draw pictures of those memories. These pictures can also be turned into a book, or you could find a special place in your house to display them. Your child would love to see their work framed, and the pictures will always remind them of their loved one.

3. Frame a Picture of Your Child with Their Loved One

Looking at pictures of your loved one every day is a great way to keep their memory alive. Frame a picture of your child with the departed and hang it in your child’s room. The picture will help your child remember that specific moment with their loved one.

4. Help Your Children Pray for the Departed

When you tuck your children into bed at night, say a prayer with them and pray for your loved one. It will get them into the habit of saying their daily prayers, and it’s a great time to reflect on their departed loved one.

5. Talk About Your Loved One Every Day

Simply talking about your departed loved one is one of the best ways to keep the memory alive. There are going to be days that you may not feel like talking about your loss. Don’t force it if it’s too painful at this point, but as you start to work through your grief, try talking to your children about the departed. Whenever your loved one crosses your mind, say that thought out loud. For example, if you see something in the store that your loved one would have liked, tell your children, “Oh look, your dad would have loved that Packers sweatshirt!”

Your children want to remember the departed, but they may not know or understand that in order to do that, they have to make a conscious effort. Help them make this effort and keep the memory of their loved one alive. These projects will help you make time for your children and create new memories with them.

One of the most valuable personality traits is the ability to openly and truthfully express our feelings. How many times have you walked away from a situation thinking, ‘I wish that person knew how I really feel’? For some reason, it seems that when it really matters most, that’s when it’s the most difficult to express our true feelings. The stakes are higher so there’s a greater chance of being shot down, hurting someone’s feelings, or offending someone. But in the end, Nurse Bronnie Ware’s patients claim that what we lose out on by keeping quiet is far greater than the immediate consequence of expressing our true feelings.

Express Your Love Early and Often

Have you told your spouse, child, sibling, friend or parent ‘I love you’ lately? You assume that they know you love them because your actions demonstrate your love for them, but it never hurts to reinforce your actions with words. Or, is there someone in your life who has no idea you love them? Why is that? What is it that’s keeping you from expressing your love for them?

Stand Up For Yourself

Do you ever get the feeling you know what it must feel like to be a door mat? Time and time again you find yourself keeping your mouth shut because you’re afraid of offending someone or hurting their feelings, even if it means feeling badly about yourself. When something is really important to you, find the courage to speak up and express your true feelings. If you do it respectfully, chances are you won’t offend anybody, but rather you will be respected for your honesty and courage. You might think it’s just easier to handle the issue internally, but ultimately, being perpetually submissive will result in resentment and poor self-esteem.

It’s Never Too Late to Forgive

So many relationships are ruined due to conflicts that go unresolved because one or both parties are too stubborn to forgive. No matter how large the void between you and your estranged loved one, it’s not too late to mend your relationship. Often it’s as simple as picking up the phone and making the call. The relationships we build are priceless, and in the end, they mean much more than a technicality about who was right and who was wrong.

Not everyone has the natural ability to express their feelings. If you’re not the type to wear your heart on your sleeve, you’ll have to make a conscious effort to express your thoughts. There’s no reason to go through life keeping your feelings bottled up, only to regret not saving that relationship, strengthening a bond, or standing up for yourself.

Can you imagine your last wish being, “I wish I could spend one more day at the office”? The second most common regret people have about life, according to Nurse Bronnie Ware is spending too much time working. Although there are greater implications with regards to the amount of time we spend working, it’s definitely something we need to be conscious of. There’s a difference between working to provide for your family, and working to pass the time, or working to pay off that third summer home. When all is said and done, will you ever wish you had spent more of your life working?

What Are Your Priorities?

What are your priorities? Family? Friends? Faith? Money? Now take a look at your actions. Are your actions in line with your priorities? Meaning, is the time you spend on the activities in your life proportionate to their respective level of importance? For example, if you claim that your children are your number one priority you should be spending the majority of your time with your children: Not at the office, on the golf course, or at the mall.

What is Feasible?

Realistically, not everyone can just cut back their hours. Our careers demand that we work a certain number of hours in order to pay the bills and earn benefits in order to care for our families. However, it’s easy to get wrapped up in our careers, let greed take over, and get sucked into the race to the top of the corporate ladder. The goal should be to find a healthy balance between working enough to support our families, and working to fill some other void in our lives. Work to live. Don’t live to work.

Priorities change as we go through different stages in life. If you haven’t taken the time to analyze your priorities lately, spend some time identifying the things that matter most to you right now. Then make sure you’re living in a way that reflects your priorities. Trust me, you’ll never regret that wonderful summer vacation you took with your family, or the time you spent coaching your daughter’s soccer team.

Children have a tendency to feel “forgotten” and slightly neglected in the wake of a loved one’s death. Suddenly the attention has shifted from them to the departed. As a parent, it’s not something you should feel guilty about, it’s just something that tends to happen as a natural reaction to your loss. One way to bring the focus back to the children and your loved one is to include your children in the funeral if that’s something they feel comfortable with. It helps the children feel a sense of connection with the rest of the family and gives them a chance to show their respect for the departed. Here are 4 ways to include your children in the funeral service.

1. Readings

If your children feel comfortable reading in front of the congregation, you could assign reading parts to your children. Gospel readings tend to have difficult words throughout, so perhaps better reading options could be the petitions or a short poem or literary piece during the service.

2. Hand Out Programs

If you have programs for the funeral or a memorial piece to give to the attendees, you could put a couple children in charge of handing them out prior to the service. This job is perfect for younger children. The young children will likely put a much needed smile on the faces of the funeral attendees, and the task will give your children something to do while you are busy visiting with family and friends prior to the funeral.

3. Contribute to the Memorial Table

If you’re featuring a memorial table at the visitation or funeral, ask children to bring their own items to contribute to the table. If the children are feeling anxious or unsure about the funeral this gives them a sense of purpose. Making the contribution will make them feel important and give them a sense of connection with the rest of the family.

4. Alter Servers

If the funeral is taking place during a religious service, there could be a need for alter servers. If any children have experience serving, more than likely they would be happy to serve during the funeral.

Another benefit of giving your children a role to fill during the funeral is that it keeps them busy on a day that might otherwise be challenging for them to get through. However, it’s important that the children feel comfortable taking on a role. Be understanding and sensitive to their feelings when assigning roles to children during the funeral of your loved one.

Very few things are as painful or devastating as the loss of a child. There is no love like the love you feel for your child, so to lose that child is nothing short of a tragedy. Then what do you do for someone who has experienced such a loss? It seems like nothing you say or do is substantial enough to help. The parents don’t expect you to undo their loss, they know you can’t. But they do need you to be there for them and to support them in their time of sorrow. Here are 4 ways you can help console someone who is grieving the loss of a child.

1. Just Take Care of It

Don’t wait for the parents to ask you for a favor, it likely won’t happen. Take note of where they could use some help and just take care of it. Tell them you’re coming over tomorrow to clean the house. Pick up some essentials at the grocery store and re-stock their fridge. Bring over a meal on your way home from work one night. These gestures show that you’re thinking of the parents during this difficult time and that you’re here for them.

2. Listen

Sometimes a grieving parent just needs to talk about it. Even if you think the parents have more than enough people to talk to, offer up your ear anyway. It’s not safe to make these assumptions because everyone reacts differently to these types of circumstances. Some people shy away from talking about death, so some of the parent’s best friends might be MIA at a time when they need them most.

3. Share Your Memories

If you have any pictures, videos or stories of your friend’s son or daughter, find a way to share them. If you have time, put together a scrapbook of pictures and write the story behind each picture in the margins. You could have pictures or memories of their child that the parents never knew about. The parents will cherish these additional memories of their child forever.

4. Visit “Just Because”

You don’t always need a reason to stop in and visit. Often impromptu visits are the most meaningful for parents who are grieving. It shows that you were just thinking about them and felt like stoping by. The pressure is off and there are no expectations on either end. You never know, you could have caught them at a time when they really needed someone but were too afraid to ask.

Every parent handles the loss of a child differently. Don’t assume that just because you know someone else who has lost a child that you know what they’re going through. All you can do is be there for the parents and offer up a helping hand during this sad time.