Losing your loved one is like getting the wind knocked out of you. For a moment in time, you can’t breathe, you’re disoriented, you may even lose feeling. But instead of the physical loss of feeling you experience after a long fall or punch in the stomach, death causes an emotional loss of feeling. Joy, happiness, excitement, even love seem like sensations that you remember from another lifetime, but never actually experience for yourself. But the truth is, love does live on in you after death. As you work through the healing process, you will start to realize that, and you’ll find love again.

Family

There is no bond stronger than family. The love you have for your family is unconditional. Although death has a way of making us forget this momentarily, your family will always be there for you. As long as your family remains in your life, love will live on in you after death.

Friends & Mentors

Sometimes the sheer magnitude of death can actually bring us closer to people that we might not otherwise have given the opportunity. People have a tendency to bond over the pain of loss and find comfort in sharing the common feelings and experiences that death brings. The friends and mentors that stick by your side during this tragic time are the ones that will be with you forever. Your love and appreciation for these special people will live on in you for years to come.

Your Pet

Is there anyone more reliably there for you than your pet? The bond you have with your pet is something so unique. If nothing else in your day is certain, at least you can count on your dog or cat to be there for you when you come home from work. Not only will they be there, but they’ll greet you with excitement, they forgo any potential for judgement and bring you comfort without having to say a single word. That is love.

Life

Eventually you will love life again. You’ll find joy in your work, your hobbies and the little things that happen every day that make life special and unique. It’s hard to imagine at first. Right now you probably resent everyone around you who appears to love life because it seems so unattainable to you. But trust that one day, you will love life again.

Though it may be hard to imagine at first, love does not die with your loved one. Love will live on in you if you let it. How does love live on in you after the death of your loved one?

Related articles

• How Loss Leads to Transformation (withsympathygifts.com)
• Losing a Loved One (collegerelationships.wordpress.com)
• To Feel Love Again … Ditto (mypreretirementmusings.wordpress.com)

The following is a guest blog post from Lori Pederson, author of the blog, I Did Not Know What to Say.

When my mother passed away, I received a card from a friend of mine that touched me so deeply I can still remember it 15 years later. The card was humorous and the note he wrote was the perfect balance of empathy, humor and reality. You see Chris had lost his father about a month before I had lost my mom and he knew intimately what I was going through. This card was the cornerstone to developing the website www.IDidNotKnowWhatToSay.com. I wanted to encourage people to be thoughtful and supportive of their friends and family when they are going through a great loss. The topic of death is difficult and many people “freeze” when the topic comes up. Our website is dedicated to helping people find the words when you don’t know what to say.

Put Your Heart Into It

There are many ways to express your deep concern and support for a friend or family member when they have lost a loved one. I have found that when you put your heart into what you write it makes all the difference. One of the cards I received simply said, “I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking about you all week, and I will keep you in my prayers.” It was from a friend’s mother that I did not know very well, but I was so touched that she would take the time to send a card. I could feel the love and sincerity in the note and it made a lasting impression on me.

I’ve been thinking about you and I will keep you in my prayers.

Know Your Audience

People have many belief systems when it comes to death, grief and the burial process. Religion, culture, family experiences, personality, the age of the person and their gender can all impact how they handle the grieving process. It is important to take these factors into consideration and not diminish the person’s feelings or beliefs. This is not a time to “preach” to someone. It is a time to reach out and open your heart.

Offer Your Support

The most fundamental thing you can offer someone in grief is your support. My friend Michele sent me this note after my mom passed away, “We will be there to do those things you are not able to” and she really was. She helped make phone calls to my family the night my mom passed away, she was there at the memorial service, and was there through all the ups and downs as I recovered from this great loss.

I have found that most people appreciate knowing you care about them and that you are there to support them. A simple note of encouragement like this one can make all the difference: “Please know that I’m willing to help you out in any way you might need me to during this difficult time. I’d love to bring your family dinner or take you out for coffee if you ever need to talk.

My old roommate used to send me cards on my mom’s birthday as a reminder that she was thinking of me. My aunt sends her sister-in-law a card on the anniversary of her son’s death just to let her know that she is not alone.

I am deeply appreciative of all the love and encouragement I have received from my friends and family through the many losses in my life. My greatest hope is that everyone receives that kind of deep support when they are going through a loss.

 Lori Pederson, Founder of I Did Not Know What To Say, a website built to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist a love one through the grieving process.   If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your friends and family members through the journey of restoring balance in their life after the death of a love one, please visit our website at www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.  

I think everyone is guilty of this to some extent. Does anyone ever call every time they say they’re going to? Or how many times do we say to a friend, “We have to get together next year, I swear I won’t be as busy”? The truth is, life is happening now and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. Friendships take work, but that’s part of what makes them so rewarding. If one or both parties aren’t willing to put in the effort, that friendship won’t stand the test of time, distance, or the crazy schedules we make for ourselves. According to Nurse Bronnie Ware, the fourth most common regret people have as they lay dying, is not staying in touch with their friends over the years. Here are some tips to help you stay close with your friends and avoid facing this regret some day.

Make the Effort

Our lives are broken up into stages, each of which comes with its own set of friends and acquaintances. For example, high school graduation is the end of a chapter. As we work on writing the next chapter, we can either choose to write those friends in, or start over with a whole new set of characters. The same is true when we graduate college, move to a new community, or start a new job. We can’t always count on someone else to make the effort to stay in touch. If it truly matters to you, then make it happen.

Pencil It In

Unless you set aside time in your busy schedule, you’ll never have the time to visit your old friends. Things will keep coming up and you’ll keep drifting further apart. Make it a point to block off dates in your calendar to meet up with your old friends. Even if it’s just once a year, it’s enough to keep your friendship alive and give you something to look forward to on an annual basis.

It’s Never too Late

A common fear people have about reconnecting with old friends is that things will be different between them. The truth is, things will be different because people change over time. However, no matter how much you change, you’ll always share that bond: The thing that brought you together in the first place. No matter how long it’s been since you connected with your friend, take a chance and call them up.

It Doesn’t Have to be a Major Event

The notion that keeping in touch with your friends means elaborate reunions is another reason people fail to keep in touch. It’s overwhelming to plan and host a big reunion with all of your high school or college friends. It could be as simple as meeting for happy hour on a Thursday night or getting your families together for an afternoon in the park. Keeping it informal takes the pressure off and increases the chance of a reunion coming to fruition.

If you’ve fallen out of touch with your friends, the first phone call is going to be the hardest one to make. But once you get in the habit of staying in touch it starts to come more naturally. Keeping in touch with your friends through the year takes effort, but it’s well worth it to preserve your most valuable friendships.

One of the most valuable personality traits is the ability to openly and truthfully express our feelings. How many times have you walked away from a situation thinking, ‘I wish that person knew how I really feel’? For some reason, it seems that when it really matters most, that’s when it’s the most difficult to express our true feelings. The stakes are higher so there’s a greater chance of being shot down, hurting someone’s feelings, or offending someone. But in the end, Nurse Bronnie Ware’s patients claim that what we lose out on by keeping quiet is far greater than the immediate consequence of expressing our true feelings.

Express Your Love Early and Often

Have you told your spouse, child, sibling, friend or parent ‘I love you’ lately? You assume that they know you love them because your actions demonstrate your love for them, but it never hurts to reinforce your actions with words. Or, is there someone in your life who has no idea you love them? Why is that? What is it that’s keeping you from expressing your love for them?

Stand Up For Yourself

Do you ever get the feeling you know what it must feel like to be a door mat? Time and time again you find yourself keeping your mouth shut because you’re afraid of offending someone or hurting their feelings, even if it means feeling badly about yourself. When something is really important to you, find the courage to speak up and express your true feelings. If you do it respectfully, chances are you won’t offend anybody, but rather you will be respected for your honesty and courage. You might think it’s just easier to handle the issue internally, but ultimately, being perpetually submissive will result in resentment and poor self-esteem.

It’s Never Too Late to Forgive

So many relationships are ruined due to conflicts that go unresolved because one or both parties are too stubborn to forgive. No matter how large the void between you and your estranged loved one, it’s not too late to mend your relationship. Often it’s as simple as picking up the phone and making the call. The relationships we build are priceless, and in the end, they mean much more than a technicality about who was right and who was wrong.

Not everyone has the natural ability to express their feelings. If you’re not the type to wear your heart on your sleeve, you’ll have to make a conscious effort to express your thoughts. There’s no reason to go through life keeping your feelings bottled up, only to regret not saving that relationship, strengthening a bond, or standing up for yourself.

When faced with the task of writing a eulogy, it’s hard to know where to start. There’s so much to think about and you want to make sure that it does justice to the type of person your loved one was. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by this task, it can help to break it up into smaller parts. Follow these 5 steps to help guide you through the process of writing a meaningful, heartfelt eulogy.

1. Decide on a Theme

When organizing your thoughts, be on the lookout for a theme that you could use to weave throughout your eulogy. Reflect back on your loved one’s life, the things they did, the places they went, and think about possible metaphors that could be used to describe your loved one. Having a theme to keep coming back to helps to keep the eulogy on message and gives your message a deeper meaning.

2. Take Time to Introduce Yourself

One of the first things you should do is to introduce yourself to the members of the service. Let everyone know who you are and talk a little bit about your history with your loved one. If you are delivering the eulogy it means that you were a very significant part of your loved one’s life.

3. Share a Story

Once you’ve taken the time to explain who you are and your history, share a positive story about your loved one. It should be a memory that people will relate to. Even if it’s not one that everyone was a part of, people should hear that story and think, ‘that sounds like something ‘Anne’ would do.

4. Talk About Their Character

What one word do most people use to describe your loved one? Some people are defined by their family. If your loved one was a wonderful father, incorporate that into your eulogy and address his children or his wife. If your loved one was devoted to his career, make it a point to talk about her professional achievements.

5. Tie it All Together

When you’ve said all you need to say, find a way to tie everything all together. Try to find a quote, song lyric, or religious verse that relates to the theme you chose.

If you’ve been asked to deliver a eulogy, take it as an honor to be able to share a few words on behalf of the one you loved and lost. I know it will be overwhelming at first, but follow this guide to help alleviate the anxiety and facilitate the process. If you get stuck, turn to someone you trust to help you along the way.

Most of us have had the experience of buying new clothes that didn’t quite feel right. Perhaps they were a little too tight or too big or the brand new material was scratchy, not soft like our older things that have had several washings. We may decide not to wear them at all or we may decide to wear them awhile until we are comfortable in them. This can be a frustrating experience.

Who Am I?

When we are, grieving most of us feel like we aren’t living in our body anymore. We may look in the mirror and see our old reflection staring back at us but we know there is a stranger inside. We may be shocked or surprised that on top of the grief we are feeling and everything else we have to deal with that it isn’t even us, the old familiar us we used to know. It is this new person who has taken up residence where we used to live. This new person may be very angry or sad or both. He or she is probably confused, numb, anxious, and afraid. Their appetite and sleep habits may have changed. All the familiar things are gone along with all the safe places from their lives. In some ways, it is like waking up in a new set of clothes that we didn’t ask for, we didn’t choose, and that certainly don’t fit. Try as we might this is one set of clothes that at least for awhile we cannot take off.

What is This Place?

We are in a place we have never been before. We are now living in a world where our loved one doesn’t. Their absence may scream at us or leave us too numb to hear or feel anything at all. Though the places may be familiar, we feel lost and alone. Unlike a new set of clothes that can be returned to the store, for us there is no return. We are where we are and it takes time to get used to it. Part of the difficulty and frustration we feel is that no one can tell us exactly how much time we will have to wait in this limbo that used to be our life.

Where is Everybody?

As hard as all of this is, it may also seem as though the people in our lives have changed. Some of those people who we thought we could depend on in times of trouble are strangely now absent from our lives. Others, though present, keep telling us to put on that old set of clothes, which is impossible since it disappeared from our lives with the death of our loved one.

What do I do now?

So now what? After awhile we realize that no matter how much we might like to we cannot go back and the only way to go is forward. Though no one can make this journey for us we can allow the people we choose to walk along side of us. We will learn that it pays to be choosey and select family and friends that don’t expect us to be anyone but who we are. People who will listen quietly when we need to vent and who will respect our silence when we don’t wish to talk. People who will let us find our own way in our own time, and not push us to follow theirs. People who will be gentle with us as we learn to be gentle with ourselves.

One day we will wake up and when we look in the mirror, we will recognize ourselves in our new set of clothes. We will realize that we have survived and once again feel hope for the future. We will still miss our loved ones but the pain will no longer be more than we can bear. We will take some of our old life and our self from our past and mix them in with the person we have become. We will recognize that this is okay and not a betrayal of our loved one. Our world will have changed but will once again feel familiar.

Our loved ones death we will not forget

But in time

Mostly we will remember their life.

© 2007

Deb Kosmer

Deb has worked at Affinity Visiting Nurses Hospice for ten years, the first two as a hospice social worker and the last eight as Bereavement Support Coordinator supporting families before and after the death of their loved ones. She provides supportive counseling, developed and facilitates a variety of grief support groups, including a well-attended group for men only as well as other educational events. Deb received her Bachelor’s degree in Social Work from UW-Oshkosh and her Master’s degree in Social Work from UW Milwaukee. She received her certification in Thanatolgy through ADEC. Her writing has appeared in New Leaf Magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone, Living with Loss, Grief Digest, numerous hospice publications and EAP publications. Some of her poetry on death and dying will be included in a college textbook for social workers in end of life soon. New Leaf has also used some of her poetry for a line of sympathy and anniversary of death cards. On a personal level, Deb’s 14-year-old son died after being struck by a car. Her 31-year-old sister had died in a car accident eight months earlier, and her 56-year-old father died from a heart attack exactly three years before. These three unexpected deaths within three years started Deb on a journey she never wanted to be on and she learned first-hand the importance of having the help and support of others. In the years since, she has experienced other losses, the most recent being the unexpected death of her 44-year-old step-daughter who died from complications three months after a routine surgery. Deb’s passions are writing, reading, education, nature, and family. She is currently working on a book of her grief poetry. She recently moved with her husband to Waypost Camp, Hatley WI. Her husband accepted a job there as Property Manager and his position allows them to live on-site with acres of woods and a lake. She anticipates the quiet beauty to be a strong catalyst for writing. Deb can be reached at debrakosmer@gmail.com.

The loss of a loved one is not something anyone should have to go through alone. Find someone to share your grief with to lighten the load and ease the pain. It could be someone who was also close to your loved one and is grieving with you, or just a good friend who is willing to listen and be there for you when you need them. You need someone to share your grief and help ease the loss.

1. Open Up

The longer you try to hold in your grief, the harder it will be to move on after the death of a loved one. There are going to be times when you really don’t feel like talking about it. Don’t force yourself. You’ll open up when you’re ready, but don’t intentionally hold it in because you think it’s the right thing to do. Once you’re ready to talk, find someone you trust and let it all out.

2. Pick up the Phone

Even your closest family members and friends are not mind readers. You are the only one who knows how you’re feeling. If you’re feeling particularly down one day, pick the phone and call someone. Anyone. Your friends and family know that you’re going through a hard time so they’ll be happy you called on them to help share your grief and ease your loss.

3. Take Your Mind Off it

Sharing your grief doesn’t always have to revolve around your lost loved one. In fact, one of the best ways a person can share your grief is to help take your mind off of it. Don’t be afraid to have some fun, even when you’re grieving. Call up a friend or family member when you need to take a break from being sad. Even if it’s just to get out of the house for an hour or two.

Don’t carry the burden of death alone. Allow yourself to alleviate the pain by calling upon the people around you for help.

Rebuilding a life isn’t easy especially when we may not want to, feel like it, or know where or how to start. When just getting out of bed makes us so tired we want to crawl right back in. When we can hardly remember the way to the grocery store or our best friend’s phone number. When we don’t feel like cooking or eating, or want to eat everything in our sight. When the phone never rings when we need it to and rings all the time when we don’t. When we feel like we have been forgotten and our friends have gone on with their lives. When someone starts to talk of rebuilding, we may wish they’d just get on with their own life.

People Just Don’t Get It

If any of the above resonates with you chances are you are grieving the death of a loved one. There are probably people in your life who just don’t get it even if they sincerely want to help. Even though it’s hard when someone says the wrong thing it may be helpful to realize they are at least trying, while others make no attempt and will often do everything to ignore the griever, or avoid talking about their loved one. That can be infinitely more painful. Suddenly people we’d depended upon and considered friends disappear.

Try to be Receptive

As difficult as this can be the good news is there will also be some people there for you, that you would have never expected. As a well-known grief speaker and author, Dr. Alan Wolfelt says; “Grief has a way of re-writing your address book”.

Being open and receptive to the ones who are there for you is a first step towards healing. They may be people who have already been in the peripheral part of your life or people you meet after the death. There is another quote by someone that speaks to this. “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” It takes courage and stamina to begin again, two things that are in short supply when you are grieving. Allowing those who want to understand to support you, drawing on their courage and stamina is a good place to begin.

Deb Kosmer

Deb has worked at Affinity Visiting Nurses Hospice for ten years, the first two as a hospice social worker and the last eight as Bereavement Support Coordinator supporting families before and after the death of their loved ones. She provides supportive counseling, developed and facilitates a variety of grief support groups, including a well-attended group for men only as well as other educational events. Deb received her Bachelor’s degree in Social Work from UW-Oshkosh and her Master’s degree in Social Work from UW Milwaukee. She received her certification in Thanatolgy through ADEC. Her writing has appeared in New Leaf Magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone, Living with Loss, Grief Digest, numerous hospice publications and EAP publications. Some of her poetry on death and dying will be included in a college textbook for social workers in end of life soon. New Leaf has also used some of her poetry for a line of sympathy and anniversary of death cards. On a personal level, Deb’s 14-year-old son died after being struck by a car. Her 31-year-old sister had died in a car accident eight months earlier, and her 56-year-old father died from a heart attack exactly three years before. These three unexpected deaths within three years started Deb on a journey she never wanted to be on and she learned first-hand the importance of having the help and support of others. In the years since, she has experienced other losses, the most recent being the unexpected death of her 44-year-old step-daughter who died from complications three months after a routine surgery. Deb’s passions are writing, reading, education, nature, and family. She is currently working on a book of her grief poetry. She recently moved with her husband to Waypost Camp, Hatley WI. Her husband accepted a job there as Property Manager and his position allows them to live on-site with acres of woods and a lake. She anticipates the quiet beauty to be a strong catalyst for writing. Deb can be reached at debrakosmer@gmail.com.

After the flurry of activities calms down and everybody returns to their regular daily routines, the magnitude of the loss starts to set in. This can be one of the worst times for the bereaved, and it is when friends are needed the most. Here are five steps to help a grieving friend over time.

A real friend is one who walks in

when the rest of the world walks out.

Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.

Walk beside me and be my friend.

- Charles Caleb Colton

After the flurry of activities calms down and everybody returns to their regular daily routines, the magnitude of the loss starts to set in. This can be one of the worst times for the bereaved, and it is when friends are needed the most. Here are five steps to help a grieving friend over time.

1. Listen

This is the most important way you can help your friend. Just listen…don’t offer suggestions, advice or solutions. By freely giving a sympathetic ear, this allows your friend to feel safe to express his or her feelings. Learn to be comfortable with shared silence too.

2. Reminisce

Reminisce with your friend about his or her loved one’s life. Sharing fond memories is a wonderful way to provide comfort. Remember, talking about the deceased will not hurt or upset the bereaved. In fact, it is just the opposite. Your friend will appreciate that you haven’t forgotten about his or her loved one, especially as time goes on.

3. Check in Regularly

This simple act will show you care, as well as make your friend more comfortable and secure. This is especially important in the first year after the loss, as your friend gradually adjusts to not having the physical presence of their loved one.

4. Learn about Grief

To understand what your friend is going through, do your best to learn about loss. By having an understanding of the grief process, you can offer more sensitive care and compassion.

5. Remember

Honor special dates including the date of death, birthdays, anniversaries and holidays, which may be especially hard on the bereaved. Your support will be needed and welcomed, especially on these days.

COPYRIGHT 2012, With Sympathy Gifts and Keepsakes, LLC.

When someone is diagnosed with cancer, the devastation spreads far beyond just the person who is diagnosed. Everyone close to that person feels the pain, but few will feel pain as great as the person’s spouse. The spouse is dealing with the fact that they may lose their best friend and partner in life forever. They need your support right now and it’s up to you to find a way to do that.  Here are 3 tips to support the spouse of someone with cancer.

Thinking of You

Anytime you happen to think of your friend, let them know, whether it’s with a card just to let them know you’re thinking of them, or a phone call to check in and see how their doing. Don’t wait for them to come to you for support. Reach out to them because chances are, they won’t ask for help even if they need it.

Fun Day Out

Help take their mind off the issue at hand. Thinking about their spouse’s cancer all day, every day isn’t going to help make it go away and it isn’t productive. Invite your friend to spend the day with you. Take them golfing or on a shopping trip. It doesn’t really matter what you do as long as you find something fun to take his or her mind off of the daily burden of cancer.

Make a Meal

Especially when the spouse is going through treatments, there is the tendency to spend long hours in the hospital. Between hospital visits, work and the events of everyday life, your friend may not have time to prepare dinner most nights. Offer to bring a meal over to the house one night so that the family can enjoy a home-cooked meal together without the work of preparing it or cleaning up.

Since you can’t do anything to rid your friend’s spouse of cancer, you must do the only thing you have control over, and that’s to be there for your friend and show your support. If you still can’t decide the best way to show your support, think about what you would want someone to do for you if you were in that situation. No matter what you do, your friend will recognize your compassion and appreciate your kindness.