In the beginning, your pain is so unbearable and unbelievable, you may wonder if you can go on; but you can, and will go on.

• You don’t need to do anything, but get through one hour at a time.
• You don’t need to look ahead. Simply focus on the present moment.
• As the hours add up to a day, you will have accomplished what may have seemed impossible.
• If you made it through one day, you can get through another.

Affirmation:  I can make it through this…minute by minute.

Wishing you strength for the moment,                                                                                                                                      

 Chelsea

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Give a set of tea light candles to other family member and invite them to join you in a day of remembrance, whether Christmas, a birthday, or anniversary of loss.

Include a special poem or a few carefully chosen words that can be said, when the candles are lit. Knowing others are paying tribute to your loved one at the same time as you can bring solace.

Time cannot steal the treasure that we carry in our hearts,

nor ever dim the shining thought our cherished past imparts,

 for memories of the one we love still cast a gentle glow

to grace our days and light our paths wherever we may go.

In Western society, the practice of actively mourning through symbolic clothing or jewelry has faded, reflecting our culture’s preference for getting things done fast, which can provide the false impression that “everything is back to normal.” In the past, wearing black clothing or putting a wreath on a home was a symbol of mourning. Today people are wearing silicone bracelets or bands to indication their connection to a cause. The “Live Strong” bracelets from Lance Armstrong started this movement. The bands typically can be worn by others as an act of support for a person they care about, or as a sign to others that you are personally affected by an issue.

For those who are grieving, custom band bracelets are often now available at funeral homes for you to add the name of your loved one with a special symbol or saying. You can also find bracelets online through the Widowers Toolbox. When the grandfather died in a large family, the grandkids ranging from ages 11 to 22, wore white bracelets with the deceased name and a dove. These bracelets can open up the door of conversation to others to let them know that you are grieving and build an understanding about what is helpful to you.

Depending on your comfort level, bands can be worn with the writing on the outside (an opportunity to share with others), the writing in the inside (eliminating the opportunity for discussion) or concealed (shielding you from discussion).

If displaying or wearing a symbol of mourning is comfortable to you, what others ideas do you have for such a symbol?

Chelsea

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When you do decide to go through your loved one’s clothing, you may not be sure what to do with it. Today there are many options if you give some creative thought to the process. Really think about how you can turn your loved one’s belongings into something memorable.

Some ideas include:

Sam Hyun (1977-2012) Memorial Quilt for Ezra, June 2012 (Photo credit: daintytime)

1.    Pick some of your favorite or sentimental clothing items of your loved one, and have it made into a memory quilt for you. Throw it on a bed, hang it on the wall, or drape it over a couch.

2.   Consider turning some clothing into a stuffed teddy bear for you or other children in the family. This tangible item, especially when placed on the bed, can also serve a small but meaningful item of comfort.

3.   Pieces of clothing can be used to decorate a memory box, scrap book or serve as a journal cover.

4.   Clothes can even be repurposed into items for children such as hair bands, mittens, scarves or sweaters.

To find a quilter, seamstress or artist to make a custom item search online at www.Etsy.com to find someone who can make you a custom item. You may also get a lot of new ideas as you browse online. Alternately, ask your funeral home or local hospice for recommended artists.

Be creative and you may be surprised by the great ideas you come up with!
Chelsea

One of the hardest questions to wrestle with is what to do with your loved one’s personal belongings. Only you should decide what should be done with his or her belongings. Don’t allow others to make decisions for you.

Others may want to “speed up” your healing by advising you to go through belongings, which may not be helpful to your personal healing timetable. Early in your grief, you simply will not have the energy to do the task.

You can handle this when you are ready. You may want to leave personal items untouched for months or years. This is okay, as long as such actions don’t inhibit your daily functioning or healing. For example, one bereaved mother left her child’s room as it was for years after the loss. This had no ill-effect on the mother and did not interfere with her healing.

I simply never went through many of my mother’s belongings. My step father was able to go through her clothes without my assistance, but I did keep the task of going through more precious items like jewelry and sentimental items.

I found some clay roses my mom tucked away that I made for her when I was only about 10 or 11. I also found all the cards I had given to her over the years neatly tucked together. Thus, you may find some items that were meaningful to your loved one that you never knew about that can be a sweet surprise.
Again, you know what is right for you.
Do not let others convince you otherwise.
Chelsea

Consider creating a product with a cause, especially if you are crafty, creative or know someone who is.
Engaging in a worthwhile activity can be beneficial to you and the others it serves.
For example, one local organization makes fleece blankets for low-income children. A grandmother knits hats for a neo-natal intensive care unit, and a bereaved mother recruits artists to make a new memorial keepsake each year.

Product ideas can include:
·      Beaded bracelets
·      Necklaces
·      Tote bags
·      Ornaments
·      Wind-chimes
·      Charms
·      Cookbooks
·      Scarves
·      Clothing

The ideas can be endless depending on your imagination and what is fitting to honor your loved one.
Such a project gives you a healthy way to continue to process your grief.
Chelsea

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After losing your spouse, you feel like you may never enjoy cooking or eating again. You may find yourself ordering carryout, eating on the couch instead of the table, or not eating much at all. Not having an appetite can last for a long time.  Be patient. Do not focus your attention on eating a full meal at the table. There is no rule that says you have to. You may get there someday.

During this time, it is important to keep your mind and body well nourished so make sure to keep healthy food on hand. Cut up fruits and vegetables ahead of time so it is easy to grab something. Make simple meals that you can freeze and heat up.

If you feel like exploring the world of cooking again there are some cookbooks you can turn to. Legendary editor Judith Jones writes “The Pleasures of Cooking for One”. She demonstrates that cooking for yourself can be incredibly healing and bring you much joy. She too had to learn to feed herself after grieving. After her husband Evan died, she stated “I was not sure that I would ever enjoy preparing a meal for myself and eating it alone”. She adds, “the pleasure we shared together was something to honor. I found myself at the end of the day looking forward to cooking, making recipes that work for one, and then sitting down and savoring a good meal.” The kitchen can be a way back into the world, as well as a way to express your creativity.

Adding a tribute message to your loved one’s memorial is a wonderful way to honor their life.  Whether it is on a headstone, a stepping stone, or any other memorial, a quote or message about their life will help lift your spirit and future generations will appreciate.

For example, my family placed a stepping stone that contained a fitting message where my brother-in-law’s ashes were spread. Another bereaved family placed a plaque by a memorial tree that was planted at the school their child attended.

My father, Ken Olson, owned a business where he sold large watercraft, which was his passion. My mother chose a fitting quote for his gravestone to reflect this passion.
Is there a tribute message you would like to share?
Chelsea

If you have suffered a miscarriage then you probably received comments from people that you wished you wouldn’t have gotten. I remember after I lost my baby, a friend of mine warned me that people were going to say things that are meant to be supportive but would make me feel worse. She was right, I was shocked by some of the comments.

Losing a baby, no matter how far along you are, is extremely painful. If you know someone that has lost a little one here are some statements you want to avoid:

1. “At least you weren’t that far along.”

When you are pregnant, a baby is a baby. Its doesn’t matter how old the child is. It is still a member of the family that mom and dad will never meet.

2. “At least you have other children.”

It may seem easier for a woman that already has children to go through a miscarriage then someone that doesn’t. Having other children does not take away the pain of losing a child.

3. “At least you can try again.”

While this may seem supportive, when you lose a baby the last thing you want to think about is trying again. Getting pregnant again will not replace the grief with joy. You always grieve the one you lost.

4. “Everything happens for a reason.”

Miscarriages do happen for many reasons, however this statement does not provide comfort because many times the parents don’t know the reason.  If there is a known medical reason, parents still have a hard time dealing with why it happened at all.

The best way to show support is to simply say, “I am sorry”. You may also consider buying them a remembrance keepsake. When you lose a baby, you want to move forward but you never want to forget.

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