After losing my parents, someone once said to me: “You never really grow up, until you lose a parent.” This couldn’t be truer. There is something to be said about the sense of innocence being lost when your parent passes away. I was an adult when I lost my mother but the decisions I had to make regarding funeral arrangements and finances seemed “grown up” decisions. How often do we call mom or dad when we need advice or to make things better?

To help me cope with this, I realized that just because my mom died that doesn’t stop her from being my mom. And better yet, I know she is with me all the time now. Make a decision to connect with your parent spiritually. You will find great comfort in knowing they are watching you from above. Make a commitment to not lose your innocence. There is nothing more that a parent enjoys more than seeing their children happy. So as they watch over you from above, continue to laugh and play…because our time is precious.

A beautiful way to carry the memory of your loved one is with a piece of jewelry. It’s something that can be worn at all times to serve as a gentle reminder of the one they still hold dear to their heart.

Consider wearing a piece of your loved one’s jewelry such as a ring, necklace or cuff links. If you aren’t sure about what to do with a wedding ring of the deceased, consider wearing it on a chain or passing it on to a child. When I graduated college, my mom gave me a modern ring that contained the diamond from her wedding ring.

Consider having your loved one’s jewelry put into a new design or setting. Visit with a jeweler to get ideas or attend a restyling event at a jewelry store. After my mom passed away, I reset two pieces of her jewelry into new ring settings with the consultation of a jeweler.

As a word to the wise, wear the jewelry you design. It is meant to be a reminder of your loved one. Unfortunately, I was so concerned about losing the jewelry that I didn’t. I tucked away one ring so safely that it was not found again. Don’t repeat my mistake, enjoy it.
Remember, whatever piece of memorial jewelry you plan to wear or create, its purpose is to give you comfort. If you aren’t certain about your decision about what to do with your loved one’s jewelry, simply wait until you are ready.
Chelsea

Sometimes we are only given a few minutes to be with the one we love, and, thousands of hours to think of them.

How would you answer this statement, “Because of you, I…”

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Below is how a bereaved mother answered the question:

 Because of you, I love a little more.

Because of you, I take time to give an extra kiss good-bye.

Because of you, I have a new favorite song,

Because of you, there may be dust on the window sill,

and I don’t care.

Because of you, I live today,

before I worry about tomorrow.

Because of you, I don’t give up quite as fast.

Because of you, I still believe in rainbows.

Because of you, now I can help or listen more.

Because of you…

~Eileen Wernsman, Loving Arms Newsletter

Some of the most difficult things to do after you lose a parent are the activities you did together. Yes the holidays and anniversaries are hard but so are the little things. If mother/daughter holiday shopping trips or father/son hunting trips were something you always did, then continuing those will never be the same. That doesn’t mean you have to stop doing them. You can choose to carry on those traditions with your children or special friends or family members in their honor.

Think if you lost your child, would you want them to not do things they enjoyed? Your loved one wants you to enjoy life and be happy. Do not feel guilty continuing these activities because they are not there. Know they are there with you in spirit.

The legacy of your loved will live on in your life forever. This legacy will reflect how you love, how you raise a family, how you live your life and how you make decisions. Through the rest of your life, you loved one’s influence, love and care will be with you.

That we once enjoyed and deeply loved,

we can never lose,

for all that we love deeply becomes part of us.  ~ Helen Keller

Knowing your loved one lives on,

Chelsea

There are many milestones in our life that we want our parents to be a part of. There is nothing worse than going through those times without them there. Whether it is having our dad’s walk us down the aisle or having our mom’s holding our hand while we bring life into the world, those are moments every child wants to experience with their parents. Unfortunately, when our parents are taken from us before these special moments it can be devastating. That is why I believe it is so important to connect with them so you feel them with you.

You can talk to them regularly, write them letters, or connect via a medium. Love does live on and if open your heart your loved one will come to you. Look for ways that you can include your loved ones in your milestones. Where something of your mom or dad’s on your wedding day or bring a keepsake to the hospital when you deliver. Having something tangible can help you feel closer.

After you lose a parent, one of the biggest frustrations is finding people to talk and cry to. You may have family members that choose to not talk about your loved one because it is difficult. And if your friends haven’t lost a parent, they won’t understand. You may get frustrated by some of the things people say to you. If they haven’t gone through loss, people will usually say things like “At least you got the time you did” or “They are in a better place”. Don’t let these comments upset you. Be forgiving and recognize they are trying to be supportive.

It is very important to establish a network of friends and family that you do feel comfortable with while grieving. You may find yourself turning to other friends that have lost their parents because they understand what the pain is like. Do not be discouraged if you feel like you can’t turn to friends you used to count on. It doesn’t mean they aren’t your friends anymore. There is a reason why we have different people in our life. We are unique and offer special gifts. Your groups will change after loss and there is nothing wrong with that. Your values will change, which means your friends may too.

Light a candle.

Candles have been used as symbolic activities for centuries for ceremonies such as weddings, baptisms, birthdays and church services. On a daily basis, the simple act of lighting a candle is enough to put you into a reflective state. The candle light is not only symbolic of your loved one’s spiritual presence, but it encourages you to remember your loved one and think about all of the wonderful moments you spent with them.

Your loved one’s love shone on you throughout your life, similar to how a candle can shine a light on you now. Some ideas for using candles:

·   As a daily ritual, take a minute or two to light a candle in your home and spend some time thinking about your departed loved one.

·   Consider lighting a candle and let it burn all day in your home to represent the eternal love of the person who died. Put the candle in a prominent place so you can be reminded of this love whenever you see it.

·   At special occasions, burn a candle to represent your loved one’s presence. It can be placed on a table where they used to sit for dinner or on a fireplace mantel.

What would you like the light of the candle to represent?

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• Light One Candle (linesbylinda.wordpress.com)
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• Light A Candle (lifeandcrimesofmistressrosie.com)

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One of the hardest questions to wrestle with is what to do with your loved one’s personal belongings. Only you should decide what should be done with his or her belongings. Don’t allow others to make decisions for you.

Others may want to “speed up” your healing by advising you to go through belongings, which may not be helpful to your personal healing timetable. Early in your grief, you simply will not have the energy to do the task.

You can handle this when you are ready. You may want to leave personal items untouched for months or years. This is okay, as long as such actions don’t inhibit your daily functioning or healing. For example, one bereaved mother left her child’s room as it was for years after the loss. This had no ill-effect on the mother and did not interfere with her healing.

I simply never went through many of my mother’s belongings. My step father was able to go through her clothes without my assistance, but I did keep the task of going through more precious items like jewelry and sentimental items.

I found some clay roses my mom tucked away that I made for her when I was only about 10 or 11. I also found all the cards I had given to her over the years neatly tucked together. Thus, you may find some items that were meaningful to your loved one that you never knew about that can be a sweet surprise.
Again, you know what is right for you.
Do not let others convince you otherwise.
Chelsea