Grief is the response to loving.

If you hadn’t loved so deeply, you would not be grieving so deeply.

Only the person who is incapable of love is entirely free of the possibility of grief.

The agony is great

And yet I will stand it.

Had I not loved so very much,

I would not hurt so much.

But goodness knows I would not want

to diminish that precious love by one fraction.

I will hurt and I will be grateful for it.

For it bears witness to

the depth of our meanings

and for that I will be eternally grateful.

From Scotty, Hospice Chaplain                                                                                                                     Forever Remembered – Source Books

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Sometimes we are only given a few minutes to be with the one we love, and, thousands of hours to think of them.

How would you answer this statement, “Because of you, I…”

_____________________________________

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Below is how a bereaved mother answered the question:

 Because of you, I love a little more.

Because of you, I take time to give an extra kiss good-bye.

Because of you, I have a new favorite song,

Because of you, there may be dust on the window sill,

and I don’t care.

Because of you, I live today,

before I worry about tomorrow.

Because of you, I don’t give up quite as fast.

Because of you, I still believe in rainbows.

Because of you, now I can help or listen more.

Because of you…

~Eileen Wernsman, Loving Arms Newsletter

After you lose a parent, one of the biggest frustrations is finding people to talk and cry to. You may have family members that choose to not talk about your loved one because it is difficult. And if your friends haven’t lost a parent, they won’t understand. You may get frustrated by some of the things people say to you. If they haven’t gone through loss, people will usually say things like “At least you got the time you did” or “They are in a better place”. Don’t let these comments upset you. Be forgiving and recognize they are trying to be supportive.

It is very important to establish a network of friends and family that you do feel comfortable with while grieving. You may find yourself turning to other friends that have lost their parents because they understand what the pain is like. Do not be discouraged if you feel like you can’t turn to friends you used to count on. It doesn’t mean they aren’t your friends anymore. There is a reason why we have different people in our life. We are unique and offer special gifts. Your groups will change after loss and there is nothing wrong with that. Your values will change, which means your friends may too.

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However painful it is to bid farewell to one who has died,                                                                                                             once you have done so, you begin a new relationship with them,                                                                                               one you can always cherish.

Once your release them from earthly time, you can embrace them in eternity.

When you release them from the physical dimension,                                                                                                                        you can hold them close in a dimension no less real:  the spiritual one.

For, even though they no longer walk beside you, they will be even closer.

They will be within you.

And you will not forget them, because you cannot forget them.                                                                                                    They will be as near to you as your own breathing,

And as much a part of you as you own dreaming.                                                                                                                                    They will exist in you as love.

James E. Miller – Seasons of Grief and Healing, A Guide for those who Mourn

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When I was doing holiday inventory, I realized that there are only 30 business days until Christmas. Which means it’s time to plan ahead if you shop online.

When making out your Christmas shopping list this year, do not forget about those in your life that have lost a loved one. This time of year is very hard for those who are grieving. The first Christmas I celebrated without my mom is one I will never forget. It was so hard to be joyful and get into the spirit. That is when I decided to write “Merry Christmas from Heaven Above”.  I was having a hard time moving forward during the holidays without my mom, so I wrote what I thought she would say to me.  Here is an excerpt from the book:

“Let your faith be strong, for I am spending Christmas in Heaven where I belong. May your Christmas be happy in all kinds of ways. And may all your tomorrows be wonderful days.”

It’s an inexpensive and touching gift for anyone that is missing a loved one. Click here to purchase.

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People have been figuring out how to grieve for centuries, long before the mental health community began. You are already doing everything right, just as people before you have. Losing someone is painful. It is probably the worst thing you will ever go through in your life, but you are getting through one day at a time. Let’s think about the progress you’ve made:

The questions above all refer to restoration-oriented tasks, which you develop as you learn to integrate the loss of your loved one into your life. As you reflect on these questions, you may be surprised by how far you have come already.

Remember, tomorrow will be better than today.

Chelsea

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When you lose someone close to you, there’s a tendency to go into survival mode. We do what we can to get through the tragedy, but little more. Meaning, we do our best to feed and bathe ourselves, but nothing else seems important right now. Well today, I want you to seriously think about the last time you laid back and gazed at the clouds, played a game of hide and seek, or watched the sunset. If you can’t remember, it’s time to change that.

…Did Something Fun?

Death is a very serious matter. So serious that it make us not even want to have fun. But if you’re trying not to have fun, chances are you won’t. So today, I dare you to jump out of your serious state and do something fun or silly. If it means acting like a kid again, do it! You might find this mindless, silly activity is just the thing you need to feel better, even if it’s just for a moment. So jump rope with your kids, swing on the swingset or sing in the shower.

…Did Something for Yourself?

Chances are you’ve been so busy caring for others and working through your grief that you haven’t even thought about taking time for yourself. Every day, make an effort to do at least one thing just for you, whether that means spending an hour at the gym, getting a haircut or just taking an hour at the end of the day to enjoy a glass of wine.

…Did Something Spontaneous?

It’s easy to get stuck in a rut when we’re grieving. We’re so focused on what we need to do each day that we rarely break from our mundane routines. Watch for opportunities  to do something spontaneous. Pick a random day to play hooky from work and drive to the beach or visit a relative. Ask someone out on a date or pick up a new hobby. Sometimes events in our lives that aren’t planned out are the ones that we end up enjoying the most and get the most out of.

It’s not always easy to pull yourself up when you’re feeling down. But if you make a conscious effort every day to do something different, to give yourself a break from your grief work, you will be thankful you did. This is time that you can forget about the pain and focus on you for a change.

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What is hard for you? What do you hate to do? As you identify these tasks, think about how to make them easier. Here are some examples of problem solving:

If you can’t think of any ideas to address some of your immediate problems, enlist a supportive person to help you problem solve.

You can figure it out!

Chelsea

Do you have faith? How has your faith changed since the passing of your loved one? Such a monumental life occurrence is bound to have some type of impact on our deep-rooted beliefs. For some, tragedy leads to doubt or a re-evaluation of their faith, while others feel stronger in their faith in the aftermath of death. Rather than blaming God for what happened or using your loss as an excuse to write off faith, allow your faith to help you through this hard time.

Faith Defined

Faith
-noun: A belief that is not based on proof.

Faith takes different forms for everyone. For some, faith has a religious meaning, whereby their faith is a belief in a higher power. For others faith takes the form of trust or confidence in someone. Whatever form your faith takes, the common denominator is that you have no proof to back this trust or belief. But something inside you leads you to believe it so.

How Has Faith Changed in the Wake of Loss?

Loss has a way of making us re-evaluate our faith, especially for those of us who have faith in God or some higher power. You may find yourself thinking, ‘Why would God do this to me, to our family?’ If you find your faith is shaken in the wake of death, ask yourself, what does your loss have to do with this belief you previously held so close? A belief so strong that you didn’t even need proof to know that it was true.

At a time when you feel so alone in the world, why not take the opportunity to strengthen your faith? Your faith should be an extension of your support group. It’s there for you during your darkest hour, to lift you up and help you feel whole again. If you’re feeling lost in your faith in the aftermath of death, it couldn’t hurt to reach out to someone to help you see the light.

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