We talk a lot about what you should and shouldn’t say to someone who is grieving. It’s hard to know how an ordinary question could get under the skin of someone who is grieving. For example, a question so simple as, “How are you doing?” has deeper implications than you probably realize.

Let Them Off the Hook

Asking someone who has just lost a loved one, “How are you doing?” gives the person two options: They can either lie and say they’re doing fine, or they can sit and explain to you how hard it has been since their loved one died. Plus, chances are, you’re not the first person to ask that exact question that day. Although you may truly care about how they are doing, it’s best not to come out and ask that question by default. If you’re going to be spending a considerable amount of time with them, chances are they’ll tell you how they’re doing as the conversation goes on. If they don’t offer up that information, that’s because they don’t feel like talking about it right now. Respect their wishes and be sensitive to their needs during this very hard time.

The Alternative

Many of us are used to asking people “How are you doing?” as a form of greeting, regardless of whether or not they are grieving the loss of a loved one. We tend to say it out of habit sometimes without even realizing it. Try out one of these greetings when you meet up with someone you know is grieving instead:

• Give them a hug
• Tell them you’re thinking about them
• Tell them you’ve been praying for them
• Invite them to coffee

These greetings let the person know that you understand they are going through a hard time without forcing them to talk about it if they don’t want to. They are also very comforting. A person can never be on the receiving end of too many hugs or too many prayers.

The innocent question “How are you doing?” takes on a whole different meaning when you’re asking someone who is clearly not doing very well. Some people may want to talk about their grief, but chances are, those people will bring it up on their own without you asking. Find a different way to show your concern and give comfort to those who are grieving. Your loved one will find it refreshing and relieving that they don’t have to explain their state of grief and suffering one more time.

Related articles

• Showing Sympathy to Friends Who Are Grieving (berries.com)
• The Gift of Listening (withsympathygifts.com)
• I’m Grieving and I’m Healing (bellableue.com)

Finding out someone close to you has cancer is like getting the wind knocked out of you. At first you feel stunned. The very word ‘Cancer’ is enough to silence you. What do you say? What can you do? How to react? Here are 3 tips for reacting appropriately and compassionately when you find out someone close to you has been diagnosed with cancer.

1. Listen

Listen first so that when it is time to talk, you can say the right thing. Everyone reacts to this terminal diagnosis differently, so before you spew out the first thoughts that come to your mind, listen to their point of view. Find out how they’re doing and how they’re dealing with it.

2. Use Non Verbal Communication

Actions speak louder than words. Sometimes a hug or just holding the person’s hand is enough to let them know that you’re truly there for them. Even if it’s hard, make eye contact so that they know you’re really hearing what they have to say. Show them with your actions how you feel if it’s too hard to speak.

3. Ask What You Can do to Help

Just letting the person know that you’re there for them can be a big comfort. The road to cancer recovery is long and dark, and nobody wants to travel it alone. You could ask what you can do to help, or you can look for a need in their life and just take care of it. Some people don’t feel comfortable asking for help, no matter how badly they need it. Take it upon yourself to find out what they need help with and surprise them by taking care of it.

No one is going to handle difficult news perfectly. We are human, with human emotions that often get in the way of rational thoughts and words. If you’re truly at a loss of words and don’t know what to say, just say you’re sorry. They’ll know what you mean.

Loss of Child - With Sympathy Gifts and Keepsakes

Having experienced losses myself, I know how hard it can be for others to offer help, as they simply don’t know what to do.  Thus, part of my mission is to educate others on how to help the bereaved.  Below is probably one of the most difficult types of grief to help with, as written by Terra Trevor:

How to Help a Grieving Parent

“When a child dies you may feel helpless and not know how to help the parents. You can help, though. Here are ten practical ways to help a grieving parent:

1. Don’t avoid us. Be the friend you’ve always been.

2. Listen if we want to talk about it.

3. Cry with us and don’t try to find magic words to ease our pain.

4. Don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” Most bereaved parents won’t feel strong enough to pick up the telephone. Instead offer to do something specific.

5. Give special attention to and offer to take care of our other children. Siblings have not only lost a brother or sister to death, they have also lost their parents to grief.

6. Remember: Grief is exhausting. Grief feels like fear.

7. Marker events, the first day of school, birthdays, and holidays remind us our child is absent. Pay careful attention to us on holidays. Most bereaved parents dread holidays. Follow your heart and take a leap to reach out to us because we are deeply hurting. If we say no, ask us again year after year. Eventually we will feel strong enough to say, “Yes.”

8. In the days and especially in years ahead share a fond memory and mention the name of the child who died in conversations as casually as you would any living friend or family member.

9. Acknowledging the date our child died by sending us a card or flowers is a wonderful way to remind us that you are remembering our child and we need not walk our grief journey alone.

10. There is no timetable for grief. Be patient with us. We don’t recover from the death of a child, we learn to live with it, and over a process of years we begin to find a new normal.”

Source:  Terra Trevor is the author of the memoir Pushing up the Sky: A Mother’s Story (KAAN), from which a portion of this article is excerpted.

For Additional Support:

• Mother’s Day: Celebration and Grief (sandiegocaregiversblog.com)
• Finding Hope and Support When Your Child Dies (heartachetohealing.com)
• When a Child Dies (heartachetohealing.com)

Image via Wikipedia

At time of loss, people can be too grief-ridden to ask for help.  Friends want to help the bereaved, but rarely know how.  Below is an excerpt from Safe Passage, which beautifully shows what those facing grief need from the people around them:

“I’ll cry with you,”

she whispered

“until we run out of tears.

Even if it’s forever.

We’ll do it together.”

There it was…a simple

promise of connection.

The loving alliance of

grief and hope that

blesses both our breaking

apart and our coming together again.

Image by kiara_ via Flickr

Be Compassionate – 6 Guidelines for Helping a Grieving Friend

1. Give your friend permission to express his or her feelings without fear of criticism.  Let your friend feel safe with you.
2. Learn from your friend; don’t instruct or set expectations about how he or she should respond.  Be open to what happens.
3. Think about your helper role as someone who “walks with,” not “behind” or “in front of” the one who is mourning.  Walk with your friend through the grief journey.
4. Allow your friend to experience all the hurt, sorrow and pain that he or she is feeling at the time.  Don’t try to “fix” things.
5. Enter into your friend’s feelings, but never try to take them away.  Don’t try to offer solutions.
6. And recognize that tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with the death.  Let your friend cry…

• Information from the Grief Works Library by Dr. Alan Wolfelt
• See the complete library at www.WithSympathyGifts.com/resources