If you have suffered a miscarriage then you probably received comments from people that you wished you wouldn’t have gotten. I remember after I lost my baby, a friend of mine warned me that people were going to say things that are meant to be supportive but would make me feel worse. She was right, I was shocked by some of the comments.

Losing a baby, no matter how far along you are, is extremely painful. If you know someone that has lost a little one here are some statements you want to avoid:

1. “At least you weren’t that far along.”

When you are pregnant, a baby is a baby. Its doesn’t matter how old the child is. It is still a member of the family that mom and dad will never meet.

2. “At least you have other children.”

It may seem easier for a woman that already has children to go through a miscarriage then someone that doesn’t. Having other children does not take away the pain of losing a child.

3. “At least you can try again.”

While this may seem supportive, when you lose a baby the last thing you want to think about is trying again. Getting pregnant again will not replace the grief with joy. You always grieve the one you lost.

4. “Everything happens for a reason.”

Miscarriages do happen for many reasons, however this statement does not provide comfort because many times the parents don’t know the reason.  If there is a known medical reason, parents still have a hard time dealing with why it happened at all.

The best way to show support is to simply say, “I am sorry”. You may also consider buying them a remembrance keepsake. When you lose a baby, you want to move forward but you never want to forget.

Related articles

• Honoring a Lost Baby – Miscarriage – Grief & Loss (everydayfamily.com)
• Positive thinking: Finding light in the darkness (foolishsagewisdom.wordpress.com)
• Moving Forward After Miscarriage (bostonmamas.com)
• The Lord gave and He hath taken away (livingonpbj.wordpress.com)

How do you go about expressing your sympathy to someone who has just lost someone close to them? It seems like nothing could possibly be significant enough to help ease the pain and help them through their loss. Nothing seems relevant when compared to the severe grief that person is experiencing. Sometimes you have to think outside the box when it comes to finding just the right gift to express your condolences to someone who has experienced death. An angel is the perfect way to help someone work through their grief and remember their loved one for many years to come.

“Safe Hands of God” Angel

Angels have the unique ability to bring comfort and peace to those who are mourning. An angel statue is a reminder that their loved one is up in heaven, “safe in the hands of God.” This angel is beautifully crafted, featuring birch wood accents and intricate pewter detailing. The angel is also inscribed with this heartfelt message:

Angels are always near to those who are grieving to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hands of God.

“Heaven’s Angel” Child Remembrance

Parents who have suffered the death of a child can find comfort knowing that the angels in Heaven are now taking care of their son or daughter. This musical angel is a lovely way to remember a child and can be placed in the child’s room or other memorial within the home.

Angel of Comforting Presence

This angel is universally comforting to anyone who is grieving the death of someone close to them. The angel is beautifully adorned with dimensional folk art patterns, and her wings wrap around her as a symbol of comfort and protection. The angel is inscribed with the saying, “May you feel His comforting presence.”

There are so many ways to show someone your support during their time of grief, but few gifts are as comforting as an angelic statue that can be place in the home. Angels serve as a reminder that your loved one is now in heaven in the company of angels, protected by God.

Related articles

• An Angel’s Prayer (withsympathygifts.com)
• Are you the ONE who can make a difference? (withsympathygifts.com)

The following is a guest post from Kelly Farley. It was featured in the I Did Not Know What to Say newsletter. 

I often hear from grieving dads that tell me they feel alone in their grief after the death of their child. It amazes me that after going through something as profound as the death of a child, that these men feel so alone and isolated. As much as it amazes me, I can relate because I too felt alone after the death of my two children.

I felt so alone that I would go online and search for other grieving dads that were out there. However, I didn’t find what I was looking for or needed at that point in my grief. I didn’t find it because most men do not feel like they have permission to tell their story or to share how they are feeling, out of fear of being looked at as less than a man or weak. We all know that society is not comfortable with an openly grieving person, but they are even more uncomfortable with a man showing his emotions.

This problem comes from men being taught at a young age that we should not show “weakness” and that we have to “be strong”. As a result of these “lessons” we do everything we can to hide our pain. We try to take on the role of protector. We feel it is our role to help our wives through the loss and to keep everything operating in the household. This approach only prolongs the grief process and can delay it for years.

Because most people in society feel uncomfortable with a grieving parent’s pain, they want to try to solve their problem, but they can’t. This isn’t something you can give a pep talk for and expect the person to walk away feeling differently. You cannot solve this problem.

It took me a long time and a lot of internal pain to realize I had to address my own pain before I could help my wife through hers. I realized it was important that we should travel this journey together, helping each other when we can. Once I realized I need to address my own pain, I started to open myself up to others that were there to help me.

Once I started to address my pain, I made it my mission to reach out to other grieving dads and so I started the Grieving Dads Project as a way to create a resource for men and provide a location where these dads can go to speak honestly and openly about what they are dealing with. This blog is a place where these men can go and not feel so alone and to realize that other men are thinking and feeling the same way.

As part of building the Grieving Dads Project, I have traveled the last year conducting workshops and speaking to child loss support groups as well as conducting one-on-one interviews with grieving dads. These interviews were designed to help me capture the rawness of this profound grief. The information I learned and the stories I heard will be told with brutal honesty in a book that will provide a glimpse into the aftermath of what grieving dads deal with when a child dies.

As a result of the Grieving Dads Project, I have spoken to hundreds of grieving dads and the one thing I have learned is people need to tell their story. Not only do they need to tell their story, they need to be allowed to share their emotions while telling their story. The following are a few ways to provide support to the Grieving Dads you may know:

1. Encourage them to talk about what they are feeling and thinking (even the really dark stuff).
2. Remind them that they are not alone.
3. Let them speak openly about their pain.
4. Do not try to solve their problems and be a good listener.
5. Encourage them to find support groups for men. These groups could be grief related or a group of men that are all dealing with various life struggles.
6. Do not push them through their grief and allow them to tell their stories.
7. Allow them the time to process what has happen to them.
8. Allow them to turn to or away from their faith as needed.
9. If they start to cry, let them, it helps cleanse the soul.
10. Let them know you are there for them at anytime of the day, and mean it.

Keep in mind that people that are grieving are ultra sensitive, so it is important to think before you speak. Understand how your words may be interrupted by the receiver. If you really don’t know what to say, say nothing. There is healing in silence. It is better to sit quietly and listen than to fill the air with words that are not helpful.

Kelly Farley, like many men, was caught up in the rat race of life when he experienced the loss of two babies over an 18 month period. During the losses and the years that followed, he felt like he was the only dad that had ever experienced such a loss. He realized that society, for the most part, doesn’t feel comfortable with openly grieving dads. This realization inspired him to reach out to all bereaved dads and to provide a conduit to share their stories. Kelly is the Founder of the Grieving Dads Project and co-sponsor of the Farley-Kluger Amendment to the Family Medical Leave Act of 1993 which will extend benefits to parents that experience the death of child.

Related articles

• Giving Yourself Permission to Grieve (withsympathygifts.com)
• Be Gentle with Yourself While Grieving (withsympathygifts.com)
• Top 5 Myths About Grief (withsympathygifts.com)

As we approach Father’s Day, we start thinking about our dads and what they mean or meant to us. Father’s Day is a very special day, as it gives us an opportunity to go out of our way and thank our dads for the love and care they showed for us over the years. Sadly, there are some fathers out there who dread Father’s Day. For those dads who have lost a child, Father’s Day is nothing but a harsh reminder of their departed child. Often they suffer the death of their child in silence and the results are tragic.

The Grieving Dads Project

As a father who has lost two children of his own, Kelly Farley knows all too well the pain and suffering that dads go through after the loss of a child. That’s why he has made it his mission to help grieving fathers everywhere to heal with the help and support of other grieving fathers. Grieving Dads is a book compiled of the tragic stories of men who suffer the death of a child. The book serves as a resource for other men to learn that they are not alone in their suffering. The corresponding website serves as a place where grieving dads can go to share their story openly and honestly with the community.

This year, Kelly has taken on the challenge of raising $20,000 to help make his book more accessible to people all over the world. Kelly kicked off the fundraiser in May and the goal is to raise the money by Father’s Day 2012. If you know a grieving dad and don’t know quite how to help him in his time of sorrow, make a donation to the Grieving Dads project. If you yourself are a grieving dad and want to help fellow grieving dads, make a donation. Together, we can help support Kelly and other grieving dads as they work through the pain.

Related articles

• What Happens if We Don’t Take Time to Grieve (withsympathygifts.com)

Any holiday is tough to get through after the death of a loved one, but Mother’s Day can be especially hard for those who have lost their mother, and for those mothers who have lost a child. Holidays tend to be painful reminders of what you’ve lost and how you used to celebrate that day. Whether you’ve lost your mother or you’re a mother who’s lost a child, this Mother’s Day is for you. Find a way to celebrate it in a way that brings back memories of your departed loved one and sheds light on the wonderful celebration of mothers everywhere.

Buy Flowers

Flowers are one thing that any mother would love to receive. If you have lost your mother, buy a beautiful bouquet and deliver it to your mother’s memorial. Pay her a visit and tell her how much you still love her. If you are a mother who has lost a child, buy a bouquet for yourself. Set the flowers out to remind yourself that you are a wonderful mother, on this day and every day.

Celebrate with Your Children

If you’re suffering the tragic loss of a child, there’s no doubt that mother’s day will be tough. But don’t forget the other miracles you have in your life. If you have other children, let them celebrate you the way you desserve to be celebrated. It’s okay to be sad and to reflect on the loss of your child, but try not to shut out your other children. They love you very much and will want to take this opportunity to show you.

Celebrate with a Different Mom

Losing a parent is heart-breaking, no matter how old you are. You relied on your mother for things that no one else could provide; support, advice, and unconditional love. Although no one can replace your mom, you can still honor Mother’s Day by celebrating a different mom. Maybe you have a grandma or aunt in your life who you are particularly close with. Perhaps your friend’s mom has been particularly supportive to you over the years. Reach out to one of these other moms this Mother’s Day so that you don’t let the day go by uncelebrated. Your mom would be happy to see you connecting with someone in her absence.

The reason Mother’s Day is so special is because it gives us a reason to give thanks to the woman who brought us into the world and for the many wonderful things she did for us thereafter. If you are that woman to someone, this day is for you, whether that ‘someone’ is with us here on Earth or not. If your own mother has past away, there’s no reason why you still can’t celebrate her on this very special day.

1. Communication

You need to be able to talk about your baby to someone who will listen to you and support you. It is important to talk to your spouse or partner about your feelings. Please understand that you and your spouse/partner may be feeling and thinking very different things; that is normal. What is important is to understand each other’s grief. Talking to another parent who has experienced the loss of a baby can also be very helpful. Allow yourself to ask for support from others. You deserve all the support you can get.

2. Care for Your Soul

Keep a journal about your memories, thoughts and feelings. Even if you only write a short sentence here and there—give it a try. You might even try a special notebook or journal where you and your partner can write back and forth to each other and reflect on each other’s feelings and thoughts.

Write a letter or poem to your baby.

Take walks by yourself. Take some time for quiet reflection. Maybe treat yourself to a massage, some soothing music or a relaxing bath or shower. Meditation or prayer can be comforting.

Read books and articles about the death of a baby. You are not alone in your feelings.

Seek support from your church or clergy. Your faith may be challenged or it may be strengthened. It’s natural to have struggles with your faith and a clergy person or hospital chaplain can help you explore these issues.

3. Seek Help From Others

Seeing other pregnant women or couples with babies will be especially difficult in the days and weeks following your loss. Many parents feel angry, bitter, cheated, sad or guilty for feeling all these emotions. This is a natural reaction. Going to baby showers, baptisms, or events which involve pregnancy or babies can be very difficult to handle emotionally. Feelings are never right or wrong—they just are. You will need to deal with these feelings and, with time, they will become less raw. It is okay to opt out of gatherings which are too painful right now. Most people will understand, especially other parents who have had a loss. Talking to another mother or father about these mixed-up feelings can really help.

Feelings are never right or wrong—they just are. You will need to deal with these feelings and, with time, they will become less raw.

By Theresa Shuck, MS

SHARE Pregnancy and Loss Support

St. Vincent Hospital

February 2004

Very few things are as painful or devastating as the loss of a child. There is no love like the love you feel for your child, so to lose that child is nothing short of a tragedy. Then what do you do for someone who has experienced such a loss? It seems like nothing you say or do is substantial enough to help. The parents don’t expect you to undo their loss, they know you can’t. But they do need you to be there for them and to support them in their time of sorrow. Here are 4 ways you can help console someone who is grieving the loss of a child.

1. Just Take Care of It

Don’t wait for the parents to ask you for a favor, it likely won’t happen. Take note of where they could use some help and just take care of it. Tell them you’re coming over tomorrow to clean the house. Pick up some essentials at the grocery store and re-stock their fridge. Bring over a meal on your way home from work one night. These gestures show that you’re thinking of the parents during this difficult time and that you’re here for them.

2. Listen

Sometimes a grieving parent just needs to talk about it. Even if you think the parents have more than enough people to talk to, offer up your ear anyway. It’s not safe to make these assumptions because everyone reacts differently to these types of circumstances. Some people shy away from talking about death, so some of the parent’s best friends might be MIA at a time when they need them most.

3. Share Your Memories

If you have any pictures, videos or stories of your friend’s son or daughter, find a way to share them. If you have time, put together a scrapbook of pictures and write the story behind each picture in the margins. You could have pictures or memories of their child that the parents never knew about. The parents will cherish these additional memories of their child forever.

4. Visit “Just Because”

You don’t always need a reason to stop in and visit. Often impromptu visits are the most meaningful for parents who are grieving. It shows that you were just thinking about them and felt like stoping by. The pressure is off and there are no expectations on either end. You never know, you could have caught them at a time when they really needed someone but were too afraid to ask.

Every parent handles the loss of a child differently. Don’t assume that just because you know someone else who has lost a child that you know what they’re going through. All you can do is be there for the parents and offer up a helping hand during this sad time.

                                                                                             Remembering Noel Ann Smith                                                                                               February 8, 2007  - March 2, 2008

It’s really not good-bye.  When you say good-bye, you are saying good-bye to the physical presence, not the person’s spirit or love. The person’s spirit will continue to live on and connect with you in ways that can be unimaginable to you.

When you think about your loved one…remember  her love for you.  It doesn’t go away. It stays with you.  Love is eternal.  Once you have love, you cannot lose it.  It is yours always.  It does not diminish over time, but continues to grow stronger especially from the spiritual realm.

I am with you always..

Remembrance Poems

The world may never notice
if a rosebud doesn’t bloom
or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon,

but every life that ever forms
or ever comes to be
touches the world
in some small way for all eternity.

The little one we longed for
was swiftly here and gone,
but the love that was then planted
is a light that still shines on

And though our arms are empty
our hearts know what to do
every beating of our heart says,
“We will remember you.”

• I Believe…a Poem of Encouragement for the Grieving Heart (withsympathygifts.com)
• A Lovely Poem: Cherish His Memory and Let it Live On! (withsympathygifts.com)

“I have emerged from the tunnel of grief into the light. Life is better. Not the same, but good and getting better all the time.” ~ Dr. Joyce Brothers 

As you sit with your sorrow today, step out into the sunshine– at least for a few minutes. Let the warmth of the sun, of life, spread through you….and know that you will feel more and more light as you emerge from the tunnel of grief.

• 5 Common Myths about Grief (withsympathygifts.com)
• One Joy Scatters a Hundred Griefs (bodyawaregrieving.com)
• Grief is a tunnel – it is long, but once you enter, you are on your way out (withsympathygifts.com)