Did you ever think that remembering your loved one could be as simple as looking in the mirror? Or have you ever been taken aback when you heard yourself say something in the same tone, with the same  mannerisms as your departed loved one? The truth is, whether you’re related to your departed loved one by blood, or you just spent the better part of your waking hours with them, you’re bound to share some striking similarities. What characteristics of your departed loved one do you see in yourself?

Listen to Your Words

Were you and your husband the type to finish each others sentences? Did you and your best friend share the same expressions and catch phrases? Usually after you’ve spent a significant amount of time with someone, you start talking like that person. After your loved one has passed away, pay attention to the way you talk. I bet you’ll surprise yourself with how closely your words resemble those of your departed loved one’s.

Pay Attention to Your Voice

Did people constantly confuse you for your brother when talking over the phone? If so, the sound of your own voice could be just the thing you need to remind yourself of your departed loved one on those particularly mournful days.

Compare Photographs

You might not have noticed it, but you probably share a lot of the same physical characteristics with your parents, siblings and even more distant relatives. Following the death of your beloved family member, dig up some old photographs of your loved one and compare them to pictures of yourself. Look for similarities in the eyes, the lines on your faces, and the way you both smile. If you can compare your pictures at similar ages, you’ll likely be able to see the similarities more prominently.

So what am I trying to get at with all of these similarities? The similarities you see in you and your departed loved one can help keep their memory alive. They are daily reminders that you cary with you everywhere. No longer do you need a picture or a video to remember the sound of their voice or the way they smiled at you, because all you have to do is smile into the mirror and you’ll see your departed loved one’s face smiling back.

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• Teach Your Children to Talk to the Departed (withsympathygifts.com)

Losing a parent is devastating, no matter what your age; whether you’re an independent adult with kids of your own, or if you’re still a child, dependent on your parents for everything. The bond between a parent and their child is so special, that when it is broken in death we experience one of the most painful forms of grief. If you’re coping with the death of a parent, work through your grief and take comfort in these 5 coping tips.

1. Draw Support From Other Family Members

Although everyone’s relationship with your parent was different from yours, there are other family members who are mourning the loss with you. Reach out to those family members, especially siblings during this time of grief. These moments can really help us to realize how important family is and that no relationship should be taken for granted. Show your siblings support and compassion during this time and hopefully they will reciprocate your loving gesture.

2. Take Comfort in Keepsakes

When a parent is taken from us, we tend to feel abandoned. We cling to anything that reminds us of them as a way to hold onto them for as long as possible. Go through your belongings and pick out keepsakes from your childhood that remind you of your parent. It could be family pictures, a special gift they gave to you or an item of clothing. Hold on to these treasured keepsakes and take comfort in them when you are missing your parent the most.

3. Keep the Memory Alive

There are other ways to keep the memory of your parent alive. On days that you’re really having a hard time, cook their specialty dish. The aroma and flavors will immediately remind you of your parent and the care they showed for you growing up. Maybe your parent had a distinct scent. Keep a bottle of their perfume or cologne on hand and use it to remind you of their essence.

4. Think, ‘What Would Mom or Dad Do?’

Most of us turn to our parents for advice even well into adulthood, so it will be second-nature to want to call on your mom or dad with the same type of questions. It’s painful when we come to the conscious realization that we can’t do that anymore. It’s hard, but chances are your parent has already taught you everything you need to know. Stop and think about how your parent would handle the situation.

5. Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Other Parent

Not that one can ever replace the other, but the death of a parent is often an eye-opener that your parents won’t be around forever. This is as good a time as any to really become close with your other parent if they are still alive. There’s no doubt your other parent is very grief-stricken at the loss of their life partner, so your effort to reach out to them at this time will mean a lot to them.

Nobody will ever be able to replicate the love and care that your parent gave to you during their lifetime. That’s what makes your relationship so special, but it’s also the thing that makes it so painful to lose. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your loss. Although no one can ever replace your mom or dad, your family can help you through this heart-breaking loss.

Any holiday is tough to get through after the death of a loved one, but Mother’s Day can be especially hard for those who have lost their mother, and for those mothers who have lost a child. Holidays tend to be painful reminders of what you’ve lost and how you used to celebrate that day. Whether you’ve lost your mother or you’re a mother who’s lost a child, this Mother’s Day is for you. Find a way to celebrate it in a way that brings back memories of your departed loved one and sheds light on the wonderful celebration of mothers everywhere.

Buy Flowers

Flowers are one thing that any mother would love to receive. If you have lost your mother, buy a beautiful bouquet and deliver it to your mother’s memorial. Pay her a visit and tell her how much you still love her. If you are a mother who has lost a child, buy a bouquet for yourself. Set the flowers out to remind yourself that you are a wonderful mother, on this day and every day.

Celebrate with Your Children

If you’re suffering the tragic loss of a child, there’s no doubt that mother’s day will be tough. But don’t forget the other miracles you have in your life. If you have other children, let them celebrate you the way you desserve to be celebrated. It’s okay to be sad and to reflect on the loss of your child, but try not to shut out your other children. They love you very much and will want to take this opportunity to show you.

Celebrate with a Different Mom

Losing a parent is heart-breaking, no matter how old you are. You relied on your mother for things that no one else could provide; support, advice, and unconditional love. Although no one can replace your mom, you can still honor Mother’s Day by celebrating a different mom. Maybe you have a grandma or aunt in your life who you are particularly close with. Perhaps your friend’s mom has been particularly supportive to you over the years. Reach out to one of these other moms this Mother’s Day so that you don’t let the day go by uncelebrated. Your mom would be happy to see you connecting with someone in her absence.

The reason Mother’s Day is so special is because it gives us a reason to give thanks to the woman who brought us into the world and for the many wonderful things she did for us thereafter. If you are that woman to someone, this day is for you, whether that ‘someone’ is with us here on Earth or not. If your own mother has past away, there’s no reason why you still can’t celebrate her on this very special day.

The holidays can be a difficult time for children who are grieving. Not only do memories of lost loved ones tend to surface at this time, but children may not know how (or feel able) to express their pain during a time that’s supposed to be joyful.  As an adult in their lives, you need to know how to help grieving children during the holidays.

 The most important thing when celebrating the holidays during a time of grief is not to pretend nothing has changed. Instead, embrace the loss with open arms and allow it to become a part of your holiday celebrations.

 Talk, Talk, Talk

• Enough cannot be said about the importance of simply talking to children about their grief. Talk about the departed loved one. Give children a chance to share their feelings, stories and favorite holiday memories. Discuss your plans for the holidays, and talk about how things will be different this year. For kids who have trouble expressing their feelings verbally, give them a chance to draw or journal about their grief. By broaching the subject yourself, you give kids permission to talk about it and prevent it from becoming taboo.
•  It’s okay if you choke up or have trouble talking about it yourself. It’s okay to let children see that you’re sad, too. By letting your own feelings out, you’re modeling healthy behavior for them and sending the message that grief isn’t something to fear – nor is it something to cling to.

• The stress of the holidays can be overwhelming, especially when you’re grieving. You – and the children in your life – may need extra rest at this time. Participate in the holidays as much as you can, but don’t be afraid to set limits. Be flexible, and don’t place too many demands on children or yourself. Always have an escape plan if things become too difficult to manage.
• By the same token, don’t be alarmed when children act as if nothing is wrong. Children grieve differently than adults. While they will certainly experience intense emotions during the holidays, and may act depressed or upset sometimes, they also need to take breaks from their grieving and spend time just being kids. It’s perfectly normal for bereaved children to experience bouts of laughter and play; these are moments for rejoicing

• The holidays are laden with tradition for many families. When a loved one dies, cherished traditions are often broken or irreparably altered – especially those that were created or maintained by the deceased. For children, losing the comfort of these traditions can sap the holidays of their magic.
•  While maintaining traditions as much as possible can help comfort children in their time of grief, it’s also healthy to allow old traditions to transform in order to suit the family’s changing needs. Have a meaningful conversation with the child about which traditions to keep, which may need to be modified, and what new traditions you’d like to create. Creating new traditions for the holidays can help strengthen family bonds and reinforce the child’s sense of security in the wake of a loss.

A wonderful way to keep a lost loved one alive during the holidays is to create a new tradition or tribute in his or her memory. This lets children know it’s okay to carry the departed with them as they celebrate. For example:

•  Hang a special ornament.  Help the child pick out or make a special ornament for the loved one. Once the tree has been decorated, ceremoniously give the ornament a place of honor on the tree.
•  Take to the kitchen.  Help the child cook a special holiday dish in honor of the lost loved one – it could be a favorite dessert or side dish. You can even set a place at the table for the missing family member.
•  Carry a memento.  Let the child carry a picture or other reminder around in order to feel closer to the person. Give the child a loved one’s shirt or other article of clothing to sleep in.
•  Do something for others.  Helping others reminds us of our own blessings. Adopt a needy family for Christmas; invite someone over who would otherwise be alone; make cookies for a local nursing home; or help feed the hungry at a homeless shelter.

There are many other ways to memorialize a loved one during the holidays. Light a special candle at the table, create a memorial wreath, make a collage – whatever reminds the child of the loved one. The more positive holiday memories you create, the less room there will be for grief.

 © 2011 Miri Rossitto 

 Valley of Life is an online memorial website dedicated to preserving and celebrating the lives of loved ones who have passed on. Miri Rossitto started the website in 2006 after losing her own mother. She believed that the internet needed a safe and respectful destination where people could grieve in whatever manner they chose. Valley of Life is quickly growing into one of the largest resource providers of end of life care and Miri looks very forward to connecting with many more people seeking comfort and care.

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“When a man takes an oath… he’s holding his own self in his own hands.” ~ Robert Bolt 

After losing someone close, do you believe a full and joyful life may be possible for you again? Perhaps your grief is too fresh and the pain is too strong  for such a belief to be more than a fleeting thought.  When I first lost my mother, I never dreamed this was possible.

It is possible though; you will find joy again – if you make the commitment to seek it out in the small moments of the day. Those small moments will be as seeds in the garden, and soon they will multiply in number. Life’s garden will once again be bountiful.  Have trust…there will come a day when you wake up, and your loss won’t be the first thing on your mind…you will look to the day for the treasure it is.

Go ahead. Why not make the promise to yourself that life can be full again?  After all, your loved one would want only the best for you…to live your life fully, deeply and, joyously.

• One Joy Scatters a Hundred Griefs (bodyawaregrieving.com)
• Coping With Grief: How to Handle Your Emotions (everydayhealth.com)
• Virtual Book Tour – Interview with Chelsea Hanson, Author of the Sympathy Matters Collection (ididnotknowwhattosay.wordpress.com)

Image by melvisflickr via Flickr

Sometimes when you are grieving you like to talk to others who have been there or to observe those in the middle of grief.  We may do that to gauge how we are doing or see that there is hope and life at the end of the grief tunnel.  

I Measure Every Grief I Meet – Emily Dickenson

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A loss of your mother is probably one of the most difficult things you have or will encounter in your life.  I lost my mother in 1996, almost 15 years ago.  Although I have integrated the loss of her into my life, there are still moments when you have a parent to call on for advice or just do some girl stuff, like shopping.   My heart goes out to everyone who doesn’t have the physical presence of their mom with them.

I found this poem on Marty Tousley’s website, and thought I would share it with you.  Hope you like the message…..Afterall,  the best way we can honor our moms is to have a great life ourselves…..as that is all any mom wants for her children…

Loss of Mother Poem
Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.
There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something –
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I’ve known
or helped in some special way.
Let me live in your heart
as well as in your mind.
You can love me most
by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,
by embracing them and living in their love.
Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that’s left of me is love,
give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

Image by horizontal.integration via Flickr

How adults respond when someone loved dies has a major effect on the way children react to the death.

Sometimes, adults don’t want to talk about the death, assuming that children will be spared some of the pain and sadness.  However, the reality is very simple: children will grieve, anyway.

Below are ways to support kids who are grieving:

1. Talk openly about the death to help children understand that grief is a natural feeling.

2. Children need adults to confirm that it’s all right to be sad and to cry, and that the hurt won’t last forever.

3. Talk to the kids about how they are feeling. When ignored, children may suffer more from feeling isolated than from the actual death itself. Worse yet, they feel all alone in their grief.

4. Adults need to be open, honest and loving. Patiently, they need to answer questions about the death in language children can understand.

5. Adults shouldn’t worry about having all the answers. The answers aren’t as important as the way the adult responds.

To see our extensive Grief Works library, visit the Resources section of our website.  Grief Works is written by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a leading industry expert on grief.

Image by jekemp via Flickr

The first anniversary of loss is one of the most difficult “firsts” the bereaved may go through. Below are three ideas to consider as the date approaches.

1. On the anniversary of loss, it may be a time to take stock, to see how far you have come or may need to go to continue healing. Above all, it is a time to acknowledge that you have made it this far, despite all the hardship.

I recall sitting in a grief support group, and a woman who visited had lost her spouse a year earlier.  The rest of us, who were fresh to our grief, were in awe that this woman had survived 12 months. Thus, compare how you felt one month after your loss to now.  You may be able to notice healing has occurred.

2. Reflect on how you made it this far. Think of some of the good choices you have made to care for yourself, the kindnesses you received, and beneficial ways you found to mourn the loss of your loved one.  Perhaps you cut back your hours at work, found a safe friend to share your feeling s or started a memorial garden.

3. You may feel sad that you aren’t feeling better, but don’t be disappointed . You need to heal at a pace that works for you, not at a pace that others think is appropriate.   Remember, everyone’s grief is different.

When I lost my mother, it took me about 3 years to integrate her loss into my life.  However, 15 years later, pangs of loss still occur at certain times.

Most importantly, spend the day is the way that feels “right” for you.

The Mourner’s Bill of Rights

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

For more support, Dr. Wolfelt’s Grief Works library is available at www.WithSympathyGifts.com in the resource section.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.